I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm sick of people. People piss me off. Tooooo much!

I'm just going to bullet everyone and why they piss me off. I'll keep it anonymous. You'll probably figure out who you are though. (: I may or may not love you, regardless of you pissing me off. I may love you, but you piss me off. I may hate you, and you piss me off.

1. Everyone does not love you. I don't know where you suddenly got this idea. Really, it came out of nowhere. One day you just decided to throw in little fun facts about whoever we're talking about loves you. What the fuck?

2. Why do you desire to be popular so bad? It's so ... not ... okay. You need to accept your friends and stop trying to be so damn populllaaaar.

3. Group effort for this one. I'm not even going to separate you because you're not worth it. You all suck, though. I'm done with you. I don't care if you harass me (even though it's childish and pointless because I'm unaffected by it). Go for it. You just keep proving how big of dicks you are, yet lack. So, please, shut the fuck up and back the fuck off.

4. You bail on me all the fucking time now. It's so fucking pathetic. I'm done having other people be chosen over me. I make an effort every goddamn weekend to hang out with you. Do you ever? No. Someone else is always more important because oh noooo, you have to be loved by every fucking person you know. But hey, who the fuck cares? It's not like I'm your "so-called" or anything. I drop hints in bitchy tones that go unnoticed. So fuck it. I can't promise I'll be waiting on the sidelines when you've got nobody & want to redeem your title. I'm trying. I really am. I don't know how much longer I can be not even second best. Or third best. Or fourth best. I'm like 12452523523rd best.

5. You always bail on me, too. You never ever drive out here to hang with me, but you go to see them and hang with them. And you even fucking pass by where I live to go hang out with other people. It's cool. It's not like I don't want to hang out with you. Then, when you do hang out with me, it's only because you have nobody else to hang with or at least not until later, when you bail on me and go hang out with other, better people. Fucked up shit.

6. I hate how you make no effort to hang with me. :/ I try, but noooo.

7. I hate how you claim to be my friend, yet you didn't stand up for me when that happened. And you never want to hang out. You say we'll hang, but we don't. :/ It sucks. I miss you. I miss 9th grade. ):

That's all I got for now.

Fuck it.

I genuinely feel sorry for some people.

So, there are quite a handful of people I just feel sorry for. It's not even necessarily certain, specific people. It's more like the type of person that I feel bad for.

You know those kinds of people, who for some crazy reason, find great pleasure and amusement in harassing, tormenting and tearing down others. I mean, does it really make you feel any better about yourself to attack others? I really don't get it. The type of people who are just dicks and bitches all the time for no apparent reason.

For me, I'm not a bitch or mean to someone unless absolutely necessary. It takes a lot for me to lose my cool. And sometimes, even when it is necessary, I still don't lash out and such. I can control myself. In this region of personality, I'm mature. I'm able to be mature. I don't like fighting with someone, especially over the stupidest shit. It's just not okay.

People who intentionally do or say things to make another person feel bad is just plain pathetic. How is that okay? I personally feel like the area of the brain that makes a person do this got fucked up somehow. It's like they're not even human.

Everyone has feelings. You wouldn't want yours torn apart. So why do it to others? It's just pathetic and I feel sorry for you. If you're what I've described, I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU. And I really want to just ... wish you luck and hope to God you learn to grow up and accept the fact that what you've done is not okay. I hope you can grow out of this. I hope it's a phase rather than a permanent personality trait. :/

I only have people when they want to have me.

I've realized lately that I feel like I have nobody.

1. You only want me when you need something from me.

2. You only want me when you have nobody better to talk to.

3. You only want me to ask what homework we had.

4. You only want me when someone else besides you can give me a ride to whatever we're doing.

5. You only want me when you need to rant.

6. You only want me when you have problems in your life and need someone to talk to.

7. You only want me when I have something you don't have.

8. You only want me when I'm the last resort.

9. You only want me when I've got money.

10. You only wanted me when I had tickets to a major concert.

11. You only wanted me when I wasn't stressed out all the time.

12. You only wanted me when everyone else did, too.

13. You only wanted me when people weren't mad or hating me.

14. You only wanted me when you needed my help.

15. You only wanted me when I was straight edge and a goody goody.

There's more that I just can't think of.

:/

I wish I was a little bit STRONGER.

I've come to this realization that I'm a weak person.

I am. I know I am. I've always been weak.

I don't know how to fix that. I don't know how to become stronger.

Over this last year, I've seen friends come and go. Some even come back and then go again. The only thing worse than losing someone is losing them twice. It's harsh on a person when all they have to rely on is themselves. That's how I am. I've lost everyone. People may say otherwise, but it's how I feel.

Starting back from junior year, the people I've been close with since middle school or the beginning of high school left me. I lost them. It was tough. The worst part was we all knew we had fallen apart and drifted, yet we all hung out at lunch and school. So, it was awkward and odd. It felt wrong. It felt fake. I wasn't down for that.

Then there was the second half of junior year. I met some new people. I think I took a liking to them too fast. I trusted them too fast. I had a good rest of the junior year with them. I had a pretty good summer. Then, soon enough, all over again -- they were gone, too.

Within a year's time, I had lost two different groups of people that I considered great friends. Did I do something? I don't know. Was it ever even real? I don't know. I'd like to say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted." How can I do that though? I can't. I simply can't.

Then, within the same time, I've felt the two people I thought would NEVER drift from me -- drift from me. I try so hard with people and get nothing in return. Plans are rejected. Plans are bailed on. Simple conversations die. There's so much going on.

All of this, every bit of it, is what has killed me.

I am broken.

I really am.

I know it's bad because people have NOTICED.

Before when I was upset or sad or depressed, people couldn't tell.

People believed my fake smiles and laughs.

Now, I've had people ask me if I'm okay, even though I look happy.

I'm simply broken. :/ And I don't know what to do anymore.

I haven't blogged in a couple days... let me catch you up, yeah?

Okay, so ... for some reason, I forgot to blog after I went and saw THE AQUABATS. Haha. I told myself to blog, but it was late and I was exhausted from the show, so I went to bed. Then the next day, I didn't blog again. So here it is. Let me catch you up.

So on Saturday, I went to work. I had to work 8 hours. It was ridiculous, long, miserable, exhausting and horrible. (: That night, I saw The Aquabats. It was a really, really good show. I got owned in a pit and dropped when attempting to crowd surf. It was still fun. (:

Sunday, I went to work again. Another 8 hour shift. It wasn't as bad. I had splash battle with my friend Cody all day. I totally won. Haha. He claims he won. At the end of the day, we said tie. But I got him last minute and he won't admit to it.

And then today, went to school and such. It's dumb. I hated today. I wanted to go home all day and sleep. In fact, I still haven't napped. I had to go to the ortho. I got new retainers. Plastic, clear ones. They hurt. :/

That's it.

Today was just shitty.

I know, I know. It's technically tomorrow, but I'm counting this blog as today. I'm daily blogging. If I haven't slept and woke up to a new day, it's the same day to me. So it counts. :D

Anyway -- today just sucked. All my classes were boring. I got little sleep last night and just slept through half my classes. It was lame. Mrs. Lindsay yelled at me for swearing again. She called me unbecoming and the most foul mouthed girl she's ever met. It sort of upset to the point where I want to stop swearing-- again. Yep. I stopped for 3 weeks before. It was cool.

Then, I hung out with everyone and people gave me shit for my foot size and just giving me shit like always. And then I got flaked on for Speed Zone. I was immediately pissed off because of that. It really ruined my night. Speed Zone, for free. Come on! Whatever.

But something awesome just happened. One of my friends in New York drunk dialed me. It was pretty funny. His friend Adam talked to me for 10 minutes. So goddamn funny. They tripped out because I said I was 5'9''. And they told me how awesome Blink is going to be and how expensive merch is. Hahaha. Made my day better.

I'm going to bed now. Goodnight!

:D

I need to stop procrastinating homework.

I procrastinate homework more than anyone. And it's the wors kind of procrastination. I KNOW if I would just DO the work when I got home, I'd have a whole night ahead of me to just chill out and do whatever. Do I ever just DO it? No. I wait until the last minute.

I do other things. Like Blog. Dailybooth. Watch TV. Eat. Sleep. Do absolutely nothing. Ugh...

I am sick of this.

I need to go do my homework...

Finished room after all & a look at my walls...

So, it turns out, I finished my room. Well, the floor, which is basically what my mom counts as cleaning my room. I'm going to work on the dresser and desk tops soon. I really want to reorganized/rearrange/hardcore clean the hell out of my room soon. It was supposed to happen over summer, but it didn't...obviously. I have a whole other dresser full of junk when it could be holding clothes! Haha.

Anyway, here's some before & after pictures. Even further down are pictures of my walls and all my posters and such! :D

BEFORE...

HALFWAY...

ALMOST THERE...

DONE!!!

AND HERE'S ALL THE CLOTHES, NEATLY HUNG, THAT WERE ON MY FLOOR...

Now for my WALLS!!! (:

I have yet to finish my room ...

I don't think I'll be finishing it tonight. I am way too tired. I don't why I am so exhausted. Last year, I could get 3 hours of sleep and last until I went to bed again. Now, I got 5 or so and I'm DYING. I am absolutely positively exhausted beyond belief. I keep falling asleep out of nowhere. So lame.

Anyway -- America's Next Top Model started tonight. I don't like that it's 5'7" and under. It's kind of stupid and unrealistic. I don't know. I don't think it's good because those girls probably won't get as much work as a model with the right/average model height. Sort of gives those girls false hope. They're only going to get work with the few agencies that "accept girls of all sizes". So, whatever. What do I know? Nothing really. I still love the show and look forward to this season.

Tomorrow -- I'll FINISH my room & post before & afters. Hopefully. God, I hope so. Hahah.

My room is a disaster...

Yep. My room is a freaking disaster. I have left than 3 hours to clean up this shit hole. If I don't, I won't be able to go out tomorrow after the compact day. However, I said to my mom, "If I get most of it done, can I?" She sort of sighed and said, "Whatever." Thus, I shall take advantage of the situation and "do most of it" and hopefully go out tomorrow. That's usually how it works. So, hopefully...hopefully it does! Yeahhhh :D

Wish me luck! I'll put up before and after pictures in tomorrow's blog!

Now excuse me, I have some Blink-182 and room cleaning to get back to!

What ever happened to Julia Stiles?

I finished "10 Things I Hate About You". I have to say... that is a very good movie. I liked it a lot. It was a lot funnier than I expected it to be. My favorite character was definitely Mr. Morgan. He was so funny. And Heath Ledger & Julia Stiles were cute together.

Speaking of Julia Stiles, what ever happened to Julia Stiles? No -- seriously. She was so popular and had starring roles in several movies. Then one day, she just stopped showing up in movies. What the heck? I like her in movies. Except her manly voice. And why is she never wearing a bra in movies?! I mean, sure, she's flat chested as hell, but put on a damn bra!

Anyway, so I'm an overly curious person. If I have a question (such as "What ever happened to Julia Stiles?"), I need the answer. So me being me, I Googled her. (Off topic, but did you know that "google" is in the dictionary now? As a verb? So weird!) So I just went to her IMDB page instead because it came up on Google and I was like Why didn't I just go to her IMDB page from the start? So I look at some of the forums and find out she just sort of took a hiatus after "Save the Last Dance" (which is a movie I really like for reasons unknown to me because it's sort of a shitty movie). And then I saw that she will be playing Esther in an upcoming movie called "The Bell Jar" in 2011. It's based off a book called The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. The funny part is that in "10 Things I Hate About You", Julia Stiles's character is reading The Bell Jar.

Yup. That's all I have to say.

I've never seen "10 Things I Hate About You"

I just started this movie. I've never ever seen it. I've heard so many people talk about it. Say how much they love it. How it's such a good movie. All that stuff. Yep.

So, I saw it on Encore and decided Hey. I should watch this movie.

Also -- Heath Ledger is in it. And he's an amazing actor. So bonus points.

And another little thing (that really doesn't matter) -- There's a stupid TV show based off of the movie. The TV show sucks ass, but still. If the movie's good enough to get a whole TV show.

And since I'm actually watching the movie as I write this, the scene that just occured was hilarious and I dig it. It was the scene in Mr. Morgan's class when Julia Stiles owns on everyone and the teacher calls that one kid "Chachie". Hahaha.

EDIT: And the girl that plays Bianca is not as hot as all the guys think she is.

:D

I'll post another blog or edit this one once the movie's over.

"Scott Tenorman Must Die"

I love South Park.

I can't believe I ever prejudged this show and thought it was stupid. I spent a lot of my life not watching this show because it just seemed stupid. I don't even remember why I started watching it. I saw my first "South Park" episode this year actually. It was the "World of Warcraft" episode. Absolutely hilarious. I was crying laughing. So after seeing that episode, the next episode I saw was the "Mr. Jefferson" episode. So, clearly, after seeing two hilarious episodes, I'd be hooked.

Indeed, I was........

Anyway -- So, now as I write this blog, I'm watching the "Scott Tenorman Must Die" episode. This is the second time I've seen this one. It's completely ridiculous. The ending is horrible and disgusting. ... HAHAHA. BUT IT'S HILARIOUS. I love it. It's probably one the most fucked up, horrible endings ever. At the same time, it's one of the funniest. So, I love it. (:

Also, something I noticed was that every time Cartman says, "Give me my money!" to Scott Tenorman, it sounds exactly like Max Bemis's voice in Say Anything's cover of "I Got Your Money". That's just my personal opinion and observation. Haha.

Another thing -- when Kenny dies of laughter ... I could not stop laughing. One of my favorite Kenny deaths as well. (:

Yep. South Park is the best animated TV show ever.

P.S. Fuck Futurama. Worst show ever.

I'm going to ATTEMPT daily blogging again... (:

So, I don't know how many times I've tried this whole, "I'm going to write a blog every day about anything just so I can write!"...and failed. I fail every time. Even when I was just trying to post a blog about what happened in my day, I'd forget. But now!... there's more! I have a DailyBooth. I remember that every single day, so I'm hoping along with that, I'll rememeber to blog. So...here goes!

So, for the first blog of my daily blogging, I'm just going to talk about my day to keep things simple. So, today... I had to work. Yay...not. I seriously hate my job. I hate the majority of the people I work with. I had the pay. I hate the conditions. I'm a lifeguard at a water park. It's 100 degrees and it's the second to last weekend of them being open. It's crowded to the point where it's disgusting and unbearable. Today was this kind of day.

I worked section two, which is an area of the park where a lot of attractions are made specially for little kids only. Now...I have no problem with little kids EXCEPT when they're at Raging Waters. There's this one spot I had to work twice today. It's called KK2, which stands for Kids Kingdom (the play structure for kids). What you do at this spot is walk back and forth parallel to the structure, scanning up and down all along the entire thing. Now, when this area is crowded, the lifeguard's walkway is jammed up with bunches of parents watching their kids. Then, you've got the kids running around, screaming, crying, yelling, etc. So it's quite overwhelming. After a while, I actually started feeling anxious from being so overwhelmed with how many people were in this tiny area. Then there was one point where I noticed a married couple fighting. The woman had her no-older-than-two-year-old son in her arms while her and her husband argued loudly in public. The child squirmed, cried and tried getting out of her arms. They fought for a good twenty minutes. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to say, "Can you take your dysfunctional marriage outside of the park please?" It reminded me of my parents -- fighting from the day I was born.

So after a hectic day at work, my mom gets me. Of course, we end up fighting because I messed up the directions to the bank and we went the wrong way. Clearly, in this situation, my mother had every right to yell, scream and swear at me. Yeah...no. There is no reason for it. Why does she do it? I don't know. It's ridiculous. But whatever. You think I'd be used to it by now.

In fact, she's making dinner and complaining about me right now. Why? Because I got make-up on the bathroom towel. Yep. Life's good.

Can't keep doing this...

I can't handle the ups and downs in my life anymore.

I really don't think I can continue with my life with the way it works. It seriously is the whole cliche, metaphorical sense of a rollercoaster. It has the most ridiculous ups and downs (and even twists!).

Why do I say this? Because whenever I get happy, something goes wrong. And it's never something minor. It's something to completely take away my happiness. I don't get the point in being allowed to become happy when it's just going to be taken away. I wish I could think, "Well, better to experience happiness than not at all." But at this point, I don't think I want to be happy at all if it's going to be taken away so harshly. If I'm going to be happy, I want it to be permanent. Every time it's taken away, I'm just in a worse state than the former.

I'll get happy. I'll be happy. I'll realize, "Dude. I'm happy!" Then, out of nowhere, no warning, no signs, nothing. It's gone. Just like that. Some event occurs in which all my happiness that I gained and worked for is taken from me. And then I just end up even more upset, depressed, sad, etc. than before I got happiness. So, it's like a never ending cycle, pushing me deeper and deeper into depression, I suppose. The more happiness I get, the more it's taken away and the more depressed I get.

My mom always told me, "It's a chemical imbalance in our brains that causes us to be depressed. It's genetic." I constantly (And I mean, CONSTANTLY) told her she was wrong. I was and still am determined to be happy. Permanently. Forever. But ... sometimes, I just don't know if it's possible. It's possible for 0thers. I've seen it. I just don't think it's for me. I don't think that's meant for me. I'm slowly starting to believe I'm MEANT to be depressed.

I'm just a silly, sad, little girl reaching out to the world, begging & aching for happiness.

Where's my happiness?

As the paranoia sets in ...

You realize all you really have is yourself.

That's how I feel anyway...

I don't know what to think anymore. I just have this horrible feeling lately. As if everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Call me paranoid or point it out as the truth. I'd like to know what it is. I feel more alone than usual. I feel like nobody really cares about me. Loves me. Or even likes me. Nobody wants me around. Nobody wants to be my friend. Perhaps I'm just meant to be alone. I'm not quite sure.

It's a perplexing feeling. I don't know why it happens to me, but it does. And I hate it. It's definitely my top three worst feelings. Or emotions. Whatever, they're synonyms, right? But ... I really don't know anymore. I hate wondering what's going on. I hate being out of the loop. I hate feeling like everyone was just talking about me in a bad way. I want to be happy .

I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be happy.

I think I keep thinking, if I say it enough, it will happen. This idea is clearly wrong. It's not happening. So I continue saying it until someday it happens. Until then ... I long to feel wanted.

:X

STOP!

I haven't blogged in a long, long time. I don't know why. It used to be my release. My way out of the real world. Just to sit down & take some time to write down how I felt. Put my thoughts into words. It calmed me. It kept me okay. Now I've resorted to other options, which you all probably know. And why? I don't know. Fuck that though. I'd like to say I'm done with those options. It's ridiculous that I'd ever do that kind of stuff. I apologize for doing it. That's not the point of this blog though. The point of this blog is to address everyone in an issue we can all clearly see.

The drama. The tension. The bullshit.

Let me start off by saying... knock it off. I know I've been a part of some of the drama and issues, but I found it ridiculous every time. Why do we have to cause issues with the people that clearly mean the most to us? You know it's true. I know it's true. To me, my friends are my everything. Without them, I honestly could not and would not survive. I personally believe that without friends, I'd have finished myself off long ago. I don't mean to sound horribly depressing or pathetic, but it's the complete truth. I can't speak for everyone else, but I'm pretty sure most people consider their friends a major part of their life.

Friends. They're important to everyone. Without friends, I don't think many of us would have a big part of ourselves. From observation, it's clear that we all care about & love our friends. So why the FUCK do we continue to do all of this bullshit? If you're legitimately reading this, don't sit there & try to justify it. Don't try to say you never did it.

You. Did. It.

I wish I had an off switch on the drama & arguments of the group. I'd turn them off in a heartbeat. If you really think about it, the summer was good. Now imagine if there were no little, petty arguments. Imagine if there was no drama. Imagine if we could have all just sucked it up, got along and had a good time. It would have been amazing.

I think the worst part was people arguing over fucking Twitter. Come on, guys. Really? If there are any real issues, confront the person in a good, polite way. Don't attack each other. Don't immediately call people out on things, even if you do know for a fact that it's true. Just handle your shit. Handle the situations properly.

I wish desperately that the drama and tension and fights would just end. I'm so over it. I'm over people being smo over stupid things. People fighting in real life. Over Twitter. Over texts. Then bringing it out for everyone to be a part of. And everyone (for some reason) always joins in and tries to be a part of the argument between two people. Why? That just makes things so much worse. Stop. Stop it now.

The summer's almost over. Let's make these last days good. You know you love your friends. I know I love my friends. So why continue these sharades? There's no reason for it. At all. So stop. You never know if one day an argument can get so out of hand that you lose people completely.

If you're a friend, I love you. I'm sorry if I ever caused drama. I'm sorry if I ever argued with you (especially over something ridiculous and miniscule). I'm sorry. Now take the example set forth and do the same. Apologize to the people you love. It's the only thing left to do.

School is at the bottom of my priorities now a days. :/

And that's slightly horrifying, yet relieving at the same time.

All my life, for as long as I can possibly remember, I have worked my freaking ASS OFF in school. I never had free time. I never took the time to go hang out with friends or go online until all my homework was done. I'd sit down at the living room coffee table, pull out all my work and just do it. No questions asked. No complaints. I'd do it the second I walked in the door from school. Simple as that. Then, when I was done, I'd have my free time. Which usually, by then, was an hour or less. I spent and wasted away my days working so hard to become what I have now. I've wasted my life. Because now, look at me NOW. I don't do homework right away, maybe not even at all. I'll wait until the last second and end up staying up all night if I actually have that much motivation in me to actually do homework. Now, I don't care. I don't FUCKING care. Homework, school, studying, all of it. I don't care. I've come to the realization that school has caused a great deal of stress and depression in my life. And I'm constantly getting and giving the advice, "Eliminate what makes you unhappy in your life, then you'll be happy." So, what did I do? Fucking eliminated school. I refuse. I refuse to "do school" anymore. I hate it. I hate school so much that I want to break down JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. There have been countless times where I walk into school, crying. Or I'll end up breaking down in first and second period. Why? Because I just can't handle it anymore. I can't handle getting up super early, not getting any sleep, having to do this bullshit 5/7 days of my week. I can't do it. I can't find the motivation to do homework, to study or to even give a damn what my grades are or how I'm doing. I don't care what my grades are, what my teachers or friends think, none of that. My grades aren't out of my stupidity or anything. I'm not dumb. I just stopped trying. So, why care? I know it's not because I'm just a dunce. Thus, I don't give a damn. For now, school will be some little prison where I sit in a desk for 7 hours with a break of 30 minutes every day to see friends. It's nothing more. I zone out. I sleep. I eat. I just chill. I'm not paying attention anyway, so why am I even still there? Why am I in this place where superficial, rich, stuck up, self centered, selfish, ignorant human beings go every day? I don't want to be a part of that bullshit. I want to step out of that. I want out of the bubble that is Bonita High School. I want out of the society that forces us to go to school. I want to be able to sit around all day, sleep a good 10 hours and just do whatever the hell I want. I don't want to get 4 hours of sleep, get up at 6 am, go to school all day, then come home and do homework all night. What the hell kind of sick world is this? School is stripping us of our childhoods. I don't care if I'm 17 now. I AM a child. This IS my childhood. And it's being destroyed. It's being destroyed by the legal daily routine that is school. So, why? Why am I still doing this? ... I honestly don't know. I'm sick of it, though. And June 2010 will be the greatest moment of my life. I know it. I'm craving that. Maybe that's why I'm still here. I'm here to wait. Wait it out to graduate and get the hell out of the horrible, little-slice-of-hell school that is Bonita High School. Fuck it. (:

Over and over again ...

Things need to be different. Having the same things happen every single day is not something I enjoy. Spice things up a bit. Change the day. Something.

But no.

Routine. Routine. Routine.

I hate routine. I hate doing the same things every day. My days are practically identical every day. I wake up at the same time every day. I have the exact same process of getting ready for school every morning. I go to my first period. We do the same thing. Stupid Spanish activities. Go over the homework. Get the night's homework. I go to my second period. We dick around. We learn stupid math crap. I go to my third period. I sit in the back and text and sleep. I die of boredom from the same, boring US history lectures every day. I go to my fourth period. And my god, this is the worst class of the day. This class is the EPITOME of routine. Go into the class. Stamp the homework. Go over the homework. Powerpoint lectures. Start the night's homework. Lunch. I go to fifth period. We never do anything of legit English in that class. It's so boring and everyone just talks. Then to my last class. Teacher's aide. I sit in the chair and perhaps I sleep. Then I go home. Dick off on my computer and do absolutely nothing. Then maybe do homework. Then wash my face and go to bed.

It's the same thing every day. It never changes. Nobody ever changes anything. There's rarely anything that happens that is different. The only things that are different are the things that occur during lunch. And I'd hope so. If my friends just sat there and it was the same thing every day, I'd go insane. I NEED that difference. I need it. 

I can't stand routine.

Don't be so quick to judge someone.

First off, let me start off by saying, wow. 

Second off, all our lives, we've heard the saying "Don't judge a book by it's cover."

Along with that, we've been told not to be so quick to judge someone. 

Over the years, admittedly, I have judged someone without knowing them, at all. And it's happened to me. Hell, I'm sure it's happened to everyone. And I'm also sure everyone has judged someone without knowing the person. But why is this all relevant?

Today, in Honors Pre-Calculus, Mr. Shibuya showed us all a video from the TV show Britain's Got Talent. There was this woman. Her name is Susan Boyle. She basically epitomizes and gives complete meaning to the statement, "Don't judge a book by it's cover" or "Don't be so quick to judge someone." This video, alone, has made me realize that I need to think before ever judging someone again.

With that said, please take the time to view this video. It is absolutely and completely, amazing. Hopefully, if you have the maturity and heart for it, it will change your views like it did with mine.

Another thing I love about this video is how optimistic and happy to be there she seems to be. She basically shows you (or at least, shows me) that nobody how harsh or hard times are in your life, you always can be happy and optimistic. I mean, she tells the world her life and it honestly doesn't sound all that great, yet she's stil the way she is. Happy, optimistic and just excited to be there. Susan Boyle is definitely going to change the world little by little.

Step One: Write the Letters.

So, lately, I've been really aiming for happiness. So as I'm trying to keep with the "Just live your life." motto, I'm also going to create steps to fix the things in my life.

"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life."- Mean Girls

So that's what I'm doing. That's step one. I'm going to suck all the poison out of my life. How am I going to do this? I'm going to write letters. These letters will be address to allmy closest friends, currently or in the past. They will confront any problems I have with them, anything I love about them, anything I remember about them, everything I can think of. Although they may have some harshness within, I'm writing them as a way to fix things. To apologize. To "suck all the poison out of my life." I'm excited for these. I'm going to be writing them in the next few days and then giving them to whoever. Each one will be personal and probably contain too much detail. Either way, I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to fix my life. (: And if you do get one of these letters, please know it's out of love. Because I love you and wanted to pull you back and fix things. I want to get this back. Whatever this is. I want it back. I want to be happy.  So I'm starting with what once made me happiest -- my friends.

Goosebumps Running Down My Spine ...

It was the oddest feeling. An eerie feeling. A bad feeling. A good feeling. A painful feeling. A relieving feeling. Perhaps, just a feeling. 

I was making Mac n Cheese. Lame, I know. But as I was standing there, I turned on a slow, acoustic song by Never Shout Never. Immediately, my mind soared off into the space that is my random mind. Every thought that I could possibly think raced through my mind.

Every thought I'd thought today. Everything I've thought in the past few days. Few weeks. Few months. Everything. I couldn't control my mind. I just thought. 

Every feeling I've felt today. The anger. The happiness. The peacefulness. The frustration. The confusion. The amusement. The irritation. All of it. I felt all those feelings at once.

It might seem impossible. I don't care, really. It happened. It may not have been "all at once" like I said, but it felt just like that. As if every thought and emotion was hitting me at once.

And as that happened, the most horrible, eerie, insane, weird, great, relieving, releasing feeling happened to me. Goosebumps. I guess it's technically called "chills", but I saw the goosebumps as I felt the chills. They ran down my spine. From there, spread out throughout my body like brances. My body was a tree. The spine the truck. My arms, legs, neck, fingers, toes, etc. their each, own, individual branch. The goosebumps spread all over. And just as fast as they came, they receeded. 

Then the feeling was over. As fast as it came, it was gone. And I realized that I wanted to say, "Fuck it all." So I am. Fuck it all. I'm going to be HAPPY.

Farm is to produce as Bonita High is to assholes.

I'm going to be brutally honest about this; Bonita High School produces assholes. 

By assholes, I don't mean your typical asshole. I mean, the self-centered, selfish, backstabbing, hypocritical, stupid, rude, harsh, mean, idiotic asshole. I am completely and utterly SICK and TIRED of the crap that the students (and even teachers) continue doing to prove they're assholes. I really am. I cannot stand the people at this school. 

There's way too many people in Bonita High School that are just completely selfish. They think only of themselves. All the time. Every day. It amazes me that some people don't even TRY to think of others. Not one bit. They just go on with their pathetic, stupid lives and show the world, "Hey. I'm selfish and self-centered and I don't care who knows it." Except the only problem is they don't realize it. An example of this? The morons of the chip cart line. It may be a silly thing, but it proves it. Every day, I watch kids cut in the line. That line takes 20 minutes, if not more, to get through just because people cut the entire time. Why? Because they're only thinking of themselves. They're only doing what they need to do for themselves. 

I'd say my legit example, but I worry that would get me into a bit of trouble. The chances are this blog alone will manage to get people to hate me (even more than they already do). Do I care? Hell no. I DID say I was going to be BRUTALLY honest. If whoever gets offended by this reads it and gets pissed, good. They were warned. I don't even care. 

Bonita High School is one of the worst schools ever. The day I find a genuinely nice person in this school is the day another ice age begins. ... But wait, all that global warming ... that'll never happen. But wait, again, global warming's fake... JUST LIKE THE KIDS AT BONITA. (Holy shit, revelation.)

Just live your life.

That is definitely my new motto.  (I think I couldn't think of anything better without making the motto seem super long.)

That's what I'm going to do. For the past few years (I say few years because I have horrid memory and I KNOW it's been forever that I've felt this way), I've been depressed. It may or may not show, depending how closely you pay attention to me. I've tried my absolute hardest to hide it from the world and to not let anyone know that I'm depressed or anything of that sort. Why? Because that's NOT my image. My image has always been the exuberant, excited, happy, giggly, bubbly, fun-spirited, out-going, loserific (I don't care if that's not a word) girl who always managed to be happy (or seemed to be, at least). How could I let my image down? I couldn't. And that's what so sad. And that's what created my motto of "Just live your life."

I'm too busy and too caught up trying to make others happy and show them that I am, even though I'm really not. I mean, I guess to some extent I am happy, but that extent is only moments, not eternal. Does that make sense? I believe it does. I'm happy, but I'm only happy for moments, not eternally, truly happy. So, I guess my new philosophy (to find my happiness) is to just live my life. I'm just going to live. I want to. I want to do this. I want to do whatever it takes to be happy. I want to make myself happy. Not by force, though. I want to acheive said happiness just by living my life.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to live my life. Not what others want me to do. Not how others think I should live my life. Nothing of that sort. What I want. What I like. What I do. All me. All for me. Anything I can possibly do. And I'm not being selfish because I'm not saying I'm ignoring others and not caring about them. I still am. I still will and love to care about others. I love to help out others and make them happy. But instead of only focusing on others, I'm going to give a little bit of that time to myself. I need time to help myself also.

Just living my life.

Spring Break 2009 Will Keep Me Smiling For Days to Come

Spring Break 2009...

Wow. What a week. I'm happy I'm one of those people who don't forget everything when they "let loose" as Greg put it. If you know what I mean. Because if I forgot this week, the pictures I took would not suffice for what happened. Pictures cannot explain how much fun I had. Sure, the smiles and laughs documented in the pictures could show we were all pretty happy, but I want to remember the feeling of it, not the way it looked. I hope that makes sense.

This spring break had its ups and downs; I'll be honest on that point. When I think about it, the downs were all pretty harsh. And the ups were all pretty great. I learned a lot, whether or not I was ... completely in my own mind. Yeah, I'll go with that. (: I met a lot of great, new people and got to know people I've already met a little more. I think I made some new friends, but I could be wrong. People either like me or they don't. 

 

I finally experienced the overly cliché, high school, teen movie party scene. It was fun and I'm glad I did it. Everyone needs to step out of their shell at some point and live a little. ...Or a lot. I don't regret anything that happened this week. (Even if I did get caught.) I had fun and it was something I needed to experience and do. This spring break sort of taught me a lot about myself and things in general. Like, don't drink fruity drinks. And don't move someone when they feel sick. And angle the camera differently so you don't cut others out of the picture.

It was a good week. With good people (mostly). And it was a good time.

Thanks to all who were there (and all that took care of me. Haha.)

Sooner or later, everyone loses their innocence.

And some of us miss it.

Hm.  For the past few years, I've been a pretty depressed person. Over that time, I learned to hide it pretty well. Nobody really knew. Not my parents. Not even my best friends. Recently, I've just let it out. Completely. Full strung. To the public. And in a way, it felt good. It did. But even more recently, I've realized... I need to be HAPPY.  So... why not go for it?

With that being said, I pure dgaf what anyone thinks, what anyone says, what anyone does, including myself. I'm going to do whatever the hell I want, basically. If I want to be happy, I'll do it. And because of that, I sort of lost that innocence I always loved to proclaim to the world. "I'm so innocent!"  Yep.  Gone.  Just like that, in less than 12 hours. 

Do I care? I'm not quite sure yet. I think I don't though. I mean, I'm supposed to be dgaf'ing, right? So, hell. Why would I care? I'm seventeen years old. Kids my age should be out having fun, doing stupid shit, partying ... just having a blast living. So... I did.  I did it.  I finally broke a few rules over these last few weeks. Just letting loose. Forgetting those huge boundaries and rules I had set for myself. Nobody was forcing me to... I just did it. Some people might think that's good of me, but hey, that's all over now.

And let me be perfectly clear and honest with you...

IT FELT GREAT TO LET GO.

Why do adults always have favorites?

Like, really.  In ALL instances of life, adult figures in our lives always have their favorites.  Teachers. Parents. Youth Group Leaders. Coaches. It goes on and on.  The best part is that they'll never admit they do.  And it's bad enough that they have favorites and it's completely obvious, but at least, admit it. 

I really cannot stand when teachers have favorites. They'll call on the same kids every day.  And then just ignore the rest of us.  Why do they do that? Why not give everyone equal opportunity in the classroom? Isn't that what everyone's been bitching about, excuse me, fighting for throughout history? Then you go into the classroom and the teacher has their favorite 5 - 10 students, while the rest of the class is totally invisible. Then, there's not only being ignored because of the favorites, the favorites get extra treatment.  Now how is that fair? You walk into your class, and there you see, the favorite.  Standing by the teacher as the teacher gives them some sort of gift or some crap. And you're just like "UH ... wait, what?!"  

Then there's parents. Parents are the ones that will NEVER EVER admit they have favorites and if they do, it's like WOAH.  (I've had a parent admit I'm the favorite. It was weird as hell. I laughed at it later that night.)  Please tell me you understood that last part as a line from the greatest movie ever, Anchorman. Anyway, back on topic! Parents.  No matter how many kids they have. There's always the favorite. Always. That kid will get the best treatment, best clothes, more money, etc.  I think it's personally messed up that parents do that. (Then again, "being the favorite", I'm not getting any special treatment, so maybe I just don't like it because I'm getting RIPPED OFF.  Kidding, of course.) 

Then there's the youth group leaders. I adore them. I do. Really, I do.  I love everything about youth group ... EXCEPT their tendencies to pick the same kids each and every week.  For the games, the songs, the jokes, the gags, the skits, etc.  It's always the same 10 - 15 kids.  Even the random raffle ends up being the same kids, I don't even know how that works out. But whatever. I hate that they do that.  Like ... this is a Christian youth group.  Isn't it kind of messed up to ignore the majority of the kids here because you got to know the others more and make them favorites? Yeah, it is.

Then there's coaches. I've personally never been subjected to this, but I've seen it.  I've gone to a friends' practices and seen it happen.  Seen them get totally shut down because the favorites showed up.  That's bull. 

Treat everyone equally, adults.  It pisses us non-favorites off.  Watch your backs.

(Kidding.)

I haven't blogged in forever.

I was doing so well, too!  I was blogging every day ... getting one or two in... then stopped. Ugh. Fail.

Anyway, back to blogging, I really need to keep up with this!  So, guess who's sick ... AGAIN?!  No, not your grandmother. No, not your dog.  

It's me. ME. I'm sick. Again. FML, right?!  Yep, so I woke up with a sore throat, head ache, couldn't breathe, etc. I immediately went "eyyyy, I have a gland/sinus infection." I spend 3 hours at urgent care to have them tell me, "It's too early to tell." Bull, right? I know it's going to turn into it. Watch. Watch. But no. Whatever. I'll just WAIT for it instead of taking medicine now and killing it before it can even get a chance to really take off. But whatever. I enjoy having my 3RD SINUS INFECTION and my 5th gland infection since January. It's lovely. Really.

I've never wanted to end life more than I have now.

 No, really.

I'm so done.

I give up.

I really do.

This isn't fair.

I tried. I really tried. So ... so ... hard.

And now look.

Look what happened.

This is why I gave up.

Because even when I try, I fail.

So why bother trying if you're going to fail regardless?

I have no idea what to write about ...

Hm, well.  I have nothing to write about.  So I'll write about how I get my ideas and know what I'm going to write about before I even do it. I usually always have some idea of what I'd like to write about when I get home from school. How? I take notes every day.  Out of nowhere, I'll pull out that ratted piece of paper with "BLOGGER IDEAS" scrawled across the top of the page then write the date.  Then, whatever inspired me to pull out that paper is quickly written down.  My ideas usually come from random thoughts that pop into my mind or things that happen at the time and make me want to write about it.  Usually, I'll just write down the title that I know I'll use for the blog when I write it.  Then, when I get home, I see the titles and know exactly what I want to write just based upon whatever I pre-titled it as.  I do it every day.  Something always manages to inspire me, or whatever you want to call it, just enough to make me want to write a whole blog on it.  I guess it didn't happen today.  Nothing was written down on my "BLOGGER IDEAS" paper.  Nothing at all for 3/23/09.  Oh well.  Tomorrow is a new day. (:

I can't do it with one hand!

Goodness, what could that mean?!

;)

So, I've wanted to learn to play the piano since I was 7.  I remember asking to get lessons for the first time when I was 7.  My parents never did, obviously.  Now, at age 17, I've taken it upon myself to just learn to play self taught.  Yay for me?  Yeah, sure.  

I'm kind of proud of myself.  I'm actually doing it.  I've actually learned stuff and a couple songs.  It's the only thing I actually seem to give a crap about right now. 

 The only problem is I'm practically incapable of playing two different parts with each hand.   And the song I'm trying to do is the theme song to Pink Panther.  I can play both parts...just not at the same time. :/  And the left hand is for some reason really hard for me to do with one hand, even though you just do the keys chromatically. -.-'  This brings back the title.  "I can't do with one hand!"  ): Boooo for my incoordination.  

Ohwell.  I know I'll get it. (:

We all know you're average & normal, so shut up.

So.  This conversation randomly occured, so I felt like blogging about the subject! 

Me: Why do girls always have to have "I'm not your average girl." "I'm unique" "I'm not like every other girl." "I'm a different type of girl." in their about mes?

Me: Just stfu, we all know you're average & normal.

Evan: if everyone put "I'm unique" in their about message they wouldn't be unique, would they?

Me: Exactly! OMG. I'm going to write a blog & quote that!

Evan: DO IT

So, with that conversation, I was inspired to write an entire blog on the subject.  Why do girls do that?  I guess there's some guys, too.  But it's USUALLY girls.  They've all got to say something along of the lines of them being unique, not average, different, special, etc.  Oh, and they're always "not what you would have expected".  Honestly, there's hardly anyone who's truly unique anymore.  So, why say it?

Then Evan said it.  He said it right there.  "If everyone put 'I'm unique.' in their about message they wouldn't be unique, would they?"  He hit it SPOT ON.  What he said makes total sense.  It even owns the girls(/boys) that say that.  So many people put that and if so many people say it, by saying it, you're not even unique.  If you're going to say, "I'm not your average girl and I'm so unique and not what you expected.", back that shit up.  

Back it up.  Explain.  Why are you unique? And why are you not average?  "I'm not your average girl & I'm unique because I ... [____]"

P.S. "I'm __ years YOUNG." is annoying, too. (: