I really don't think I can continue with my life with the way it works. It seriously is the whole cliche, metaphorical sense of a rollercoaster. It has the most ridiculous ups and downs (and even twists!).
Why do I say this? Because whenever I get happy, something goes wrong. And it's never something minor. It's something to completely take away my happiness. I don't get the point in being allowed to become happy when it's just going to be taken away. I wish I could think, "Well, better to experience happiness than not at all." But at this point, I don't think I want to be happy at all if it's going to be taken away so harshly. If I'm going to be happy, I want it to be permanent. Every time it's taken away, I'm just in a worse state than the former.
I'll get happy. I'll be happy. I'll realize, "Dude. I'm happy!" Then, out of nowhere, no warning, no signs, nothing. It's gone. Just like that. Some event occurs in which all my happiness that I gained and worked for is taken from me. And then I just end up even more upset, depressed, sad, etc. than before I got happiness. So, it's like a never ending cycle, pushing me deeper and deeper into depression, I suppose. The more happiness I get, the more it's taken away and the more depressed I get.
My mom always told me, "It's a chemical imbalance in our brains that causes us to be depressed. It's genetic." I constantly (And I mean, CONSTANTLY) told her she was wrong. I was and still am determined to be happy. Permanently. Forever. But ... sometimes, I just don't know if it's possible. It's possible for 0thers. I've seen it. I just don't think it's for me. I don't think that's meant for me. I'm slowly starting to believe I'm MEANT to be depressed.
I'm just a silly, sad, little girl reaching out to the world, begging & aching for happiness.
Where's my happiness?
0 comments:
Post a Comment