School is at the bottom of my priorities now a days. :/

And that's slightly horrifying, yet relieving at the same time.

All my life, for as long as I can possibly remember, I have worked my freaking ASS OFF in school. I never had free time. I never took the time to go hang out with friends or go online until all my homework was done. I'd sit down at the living room coffee table, pull out all my work and just do it. No questions asked. No complaints. I'd do it the second I walked in the door from school. Simple as that. Then, when I was done, I'd have my free time. Which usually, by then, was an hour or less. I spent and wasted away my days working so hard to become what I have now. I've wasted my life. Because now, look at me NOW. I don't do homework right away, maybe not even at all. I'll wait until the last second and end up staying up all night if I actually have that much motivation in me to actually do homework. Now, I don't care. I don't FUCKING care. Homework, school, studying, all of it. I don't care. I've come to the realization that school has caused a great deal of stress and depression in my life. And I'm constantly getting and giving the advice, "Eliminate what makes you unhappy in your life, then you'll be happy." So, what did I do? Fucking eliminated school. I refuse. I refuse to "do school" anymore. I hate it. I hate school so much that I want to break down JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. There have been countless times where I walk into school, crying. Or I'll end up breaking down in first and second period. Why? Because I just can't handle it anymore. I can't handle getting up super early, not getting any sleep, having to do this bullshit 5/7 days of my week. I can't do it. I can't find the motivation to do homework, to study or to even give a damn what my grades are or how I'm doing. I don't care what my grades are, what my teachers or friends think, none of that. My grades aren't out of my stupidity or anything. I'm not dumb. I just stopped trying. So, why care? I know it's not because I'm just a dunce. Thus, I don't give a damn. For now, school will be some little prison where I sit in a desk for 7 hours with a break of 30 minutes every day to see friends. It's nothing more. I zone out. I sleep. I eat. I just chill. I'm not paying attention anyway, so why am I even still there? Why am I in this place where superficial, rich, stuck up, self centered, selfish, ignorant human beings go every day? I don't want to be a part of that bullshit. I want to step out of that. I want out of the bubble that is Bonita High School. I want out of the society that forces us to go to school. I want to be able to sit around all day, sleep a good 10 hours and just do whatever the hell I want. I don't want to get 4 hours of sleep, get up at 6 am, go to school all day, then come home and do homework all night. What the hell kind of sick world is this? School is stripping us of our childhoods. I don't care if I'm 17 now. I AM a child. This IS my childhood. And it's being destroyed. It's being destroyed by the legal daily routine that is school. So, why? Why am I still doing this? ... I honestly don't know. I'm sick of it, though. And June 2010 will be the greatest moment of my life. I know it. I'm craving that. Maybe that's why I'm still here. I'm here to wait. Wait it out to graduate and get the hell out of the horrible, little-slice-of-hell school that is Bonita High School. Fuck it. (:

Over and over again ...

Things need to be different. Having the same things happen every single day is not something I enjoy. Spice things up a bit. Change the day. Something.

But no.

Routine. Routine. Routine.

I hate routine. I hate doing the same things every day. My days are practically identical every day. I wake up at the same time every day. I have the exact same process of getting ready for school every morning. I go to my first period. We do the same thing. Stupid Spanish activities. Go over the homework. Get the night's homework. I go to my second period. We dick around. We learn stupid math crap. I go to my third period. I sit in the back and text and sleep. I die of boredom from the same, boring US history lectures every day. I go to my fourth period. And my god, this is the worst class of the day. This class is the EPITOME of routine. Go into the class. Stamp the homework. Go over the homework. Powerpoint lectures. Start the night's homework. Lunch. I go to fifth period. We never do anything of legit English in that class. It's so boring and everyone just talks. Then to my last class. Teacher's aide. I sit in the chair and perhaps I sleep. Then I go home. Dick off on my computer and do absolutely nothing. Then maybe do homework. Then wash my face and go to bed.

It's the same thing every day. It never changes. Nobody ever changes anything. There's rarely anything that happens that is different. The only things that are different are the things that occur during lunch. And I'd hope so. If my friends just sat there and it was the same thing every day, I'd go insane. I NEED that difference. I need it. 

I can't stand routine.

Don't be so quick to judge someone.

First off, let me start off by saying, wow. 

Second off, all our lives, we've heard the saying "Don't judge a book by it's cover."

Along with that, we've been told not to be so quick to judge someone. 

Over the years, admittedly, I have judged someone without knowing them, at all. And it's happened to me. Hell, I'm sure it's happened to everyone. And I'm also sure everyone has judged someone without knowing the person. But why is this all relevant?

Today, in Honors Pre-Calculus, Mr. Shibuya showed us all a video from the TV show Britain's Got Talent. There was this woman. Her name is Susan Boyle. She basically epitomizes and gives complete meaning to the statement, "Don't judge a book by it's cover" or "Don't be so quick to judge someone." This video, alone, has made me realize that I need to think before ever judging someone again.

With that said, please take the time to view this video. It is absolutely and completely, amazing. Hopefully, if you have the maturity and heart for it, it will change your views like it did with mine.

Another thing I love about this video is how optimistic and happy to be there she seems to be. She basically shows you (or at least, shows me) that nobody how harsh or hard times are in your life, you always can be happy and optimistic. I mean, she tells the world her life and it honestly doesn't sound all that great, yet she's stil the way she is. Happy, optimistic and just excited to be there. Susan Boyle is definitely going to change the world little by little.

Step One: Write the Letters.

So, lately, I've been really aiming for happiness. So as I'm trying to keep with the "Just live your life." motto, I'm also going to create steps to fix the things in my life.

"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life."- Mean Girls

So that's what I'm doing. That's step one. I'm going to suck all the poison out of my life. How am I going to do this? I'm going to write letters. These letters will be address to allmy closest friends, currently or in the past. They will confront any problems I have with them, anything I love about them, anything I remember about them, everything I can think of. Although they may have some harshness within, I'm writing them as a way to fix things. To apologize. To "suck all the poison out of my life." I'm excited for these. I'm going to be writing them in the next few days and then giving them to whoever. Each one will be personal and probably contain too much detail. Either way, I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to fix my life. (: And if you do get one of these letters, please know it's out of love. Because I love you and wanted to pull you back and fix things. I want to get this back. Whatever this is. I want it back. I want to be happy.  So I'm starting with what once made me happiest -- my friends.

Goosebumps Running Down My Spine ...

It was the oddest feeling. An eerie feeling. A bad feeling. A good feeling. A painful feeling. A relieving feeling. Perhaps, just a feeling. 

I was making Mac n Cheese. Lame, I know. But as I was standing there, I turned on a slow, acoustic song by Never Shout Never. Immediately, my mind soared off into the space that is my random mind. Every thought that I could possibly think raced through my mind.

Every thought I'd thought today. Everything I've thought in the past few days. Few weeks. Few months. Everything. I couldn't control my mind. I just thought. 

Every feeling I've felt today. The anger. The happiness. The peacefulness. The frustration. The confusion. The amusement. The irritation. All of it. I felt all those feelings at once.

It might seem impossible. I don't care, really. It happened. It may not have been "all at once" like I said, but it felt just like that. As if every thought and emotion was hitting me at once.

And as that happened, the most horrible, eerie, insane, weird, great, relieving, releasing feeling happened to me. Goosebumps. I guess it's technically called "chills", but I saw the goosebumps as I felt the chills. They ran down my spine. From there, spread out throughout my body like brances. My body was a tree. The spine the truck. My arms, legs, neck, fingers, toes, etc. their each, own, individual branch. The goosebumps spread all over. And just as fast as they came, they receeded. 

Then the feeling was over. As fast as it came, it was gone. And I realized that I wanted to say, "Fuck it all." So I am. Fuck it all. I'm going to be HAPPY.

Farm is to produce as Bonita High is to assholes.

I'm going to be brutally honest about this; Bonita High School produces assholes. 

By assholes, I don't mean your typical asshole. I mean, the self-centered, selfish, backstabbing, hypocritical, stupid, rude, harsh, mean, idiotic asshole. I am completely and utterly SICK and TIRED of the crap that the students (and even teachers) continue doing to prove they're assholes. I really am. I cannot stand the people at this school. 

There's way too many people in Bonita High School that are just completely selfish. They think only of themselves. All the time. Every day. It amazes me that some people don't even TRY to think of others. Not one bit. They just go on with their pathetic, stupid lives and show the world, "Hey. I'm selfish and self-centered and I don't care who knows it." Except the only problem is they don't realize it. An example of this? The morons of the chip cart line. It may be a silly thing, but it proves it. Every day, I watch kids cut in the line. That line takes 20 minutes, if not more, to get through just because people cut the entire time. Why? Because they're only thinking of themselves. They're only doing what they need to do for themselves. 

I'd say my legit example, but I worry that would get me into a bit of trouble. The chances are this blog alone will manage to get people to hate me (even more than they already do). Do I care? Hell no. I DID say I was going to be BRUTALLY honest. If whoever gets offended by this reads it and gets pissed, good. They were warned. I don't even care. 

Bonita High School is one of the worst schools ever. The day I find a genuinely nice person in this school is the day another ice age begins. ... But wait, all that global warming ... that'll never happen. But wait, again, global warming's fake... JUST LIKE THE KIDS AT BONITA. (Holy shit, revelation.)

Just live your life.

That is definitely my new motto.  (I think I couldn't think of anything better without making the motto seem super long.)

That's what I'm going to do. For the past few years (I say few years because I have horrid memory and I KNOW it's been forever that I've felt this way), I've been depressed. It may or may not show, depending how closely you pay attention to me. I've tried my absolute hardest to hide it from the world and to not let anyone know that I'm depressed or anything of that sort. Why? Because that's NOT my image. My image has always been the exuberant, excited, happy, giggly, bubbly, fun-spirited, out-going, loserific (I don't care if that's not a word) girl who always managed to be happy (or seemed to be, at least). How could I let my image down? I couldn't. And that's what so sad. And that's what created my motto of "Just live your life."

I'm too busy and too caught up trying to make others happy and show them that I am, even though I'm really not. I mean, I guess to some extent I am happy, but that extent is only moments, not eternal. Does that make sense? I believe it does. I'm happy, but I'm only happy for moments, not eternally, truly happy. So, I guess my new philosophy (to find my happiness) is to just live my life. I'm just going to live. I want to. I want to do this. I want to do whatever it takes to be happy. I want to make myself happy. Not by force, though. I want to acheive said happiness just by living my life.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to live my life. Not what others want me to do. Not how others think I should live my life. Nothing of that sort. What I want. What I like. What I do. All me. All for me. Anything I can possibly do. And I'm not being selfish because I'm not saying I'm ignoring others and not caring about them. I still am. I still will and love to care about others. I love to help out others and make them happy. But instead of only focusing on others, I'm going to give a little bit of that time to myself. I need time to help myself also.

Just living my life.

Spring Break 2009 Will Keep Me Smiling For Days to Come

Spring Break 2009...

Wow. What a week. I'm happy I'm one of those people who don't forget everything when they "let loose" as Greg put it. If you know what I mean. Because if I forgot this week, the pictures I took would not suffice for what happened. Pictures cannot explain how much fun I had. Sure, the smiles and laughs documented in the pictures could show we were all pretty happy, but I want to remember the feeling of it, not the way it looked. I hope that makes sense.

This spring break had its ups and downs; I'll be honest on that point. When I think about it, the downs were all pretty harsh. And the ups were all pretty great. I learned a lot, whether or not I was ... completely in my own mind. Yeah, I'll go with that. (: I met a lot of great, new people and got to know people I've already met a little more. I think I made some new friends, but I could be wrong. People either like me or they don't. 

 

I finally experienced the overly cliché, high school, teen movie party scene. It was fun and I'm glad I did it. Everyone needs to step out of their shell at some point and live a little. ...Or a lot. I don't regret anything that happened this week. (Even if I did get caught.) I had fun and it was something I needed to experience and do. This spring break sort of taught me a lot about myself and things in general. Like, don't drink fruity drinks. And don't move someone when they feel sick. And angle the camera differently so you don't cut others out of the picture.

It was a good week. With good people (mostly). And it was a good time.

Thanks to all who were there (and all that took care of me. Haha.)

Sooner or later, everyone loses their innocence.

And some of us miss it.

Hm.  For the past few years, I've been a pretty depressed person. Over that time, I learned to hide it pretty well. Nobody really knew. Not my parents. Not even my best friends. Recently, I've just let it out. Completely. Full strung. To the public. And in a way, it felt good. It did. But even more recently, I've realized... I need to be HAPPY.  So... why not go for it?

With that being said, I pure dgaf what anyone thinks, what anyone says, what anyone does, including myself. I'm going to do whatever the hell I want, basically. If I want to be happy, I'll do it. And because of that, I sort of lost that innocence I always loved to proclaim to the world. "I'm so innocent!"  Yep.  Gone.  Just like that, in less than 12 hours. 

Do I care? I'm not quite sure yet. I think I don't though. I mean, I'm supposed to be dgaf'ing, right? So, hell. Why would I care? I'm seventeen years old. Kids my age should be out having fun, doing stupid shit, partying ... just having a blast living. So... I did.  I did it.  I finally broke a few rules over these last few weeks. Just letting loose. Forgetting those huge boundaries and rules I had set for myself. Nobody was forcing me to... I just did it. Some people might think that's good of me, but hey, that's all over now.

And let me be perfectly clear and honest with you...

IT FELT GREAT TO LET GO.

Why do adults always have favorites?

Like, really.  In ALL instances of life, adult figures in our lives always have their favorites.  Teachers. Parents. Youth Group Leaders. Coaches. It goes on and on.  The best part is that they'll never admit they do.  And it's bad enough that they have favorites and it's completely obvious, but at least, admit it. 

I really cannot stand when teachers have favorites. They'll call on the same kids every day.  And then just ignore the rest of us.  Why do they do that? Why not give everyone equal opportunity in the classroom? Isn't that what everyone's been bitching about, excuse me, fighting for throughout history? Then you go into the classroom and the teacher has their favorite 5 - 10 students, while the rest of the class is totally invisible. Then, there's not only being ignored because of the favorites, the favorites get extra treatment.  Now how is that fair? You walk into your class, and there you see, the favorite.  Standing by the teacher as the teacher gives them some sort of gift or some crap. And you're just like "UH ... wait, what?!"  

Then there's parents. Parents are the ones that will NEVER EVER admit they have favorites and if they do, it's like WOAH.  (I've had a parent admit I'm the favorite. It was weird as hell. I laughed at it later that night.)  Please tell me you understood that last part as a line from the greatest movie ever, Anchorman. Anyway, back on topic! Parents.  No matter how many kids they have. There's always the favorite. Always. That kid will get the best treatment, best clothes, more money, etc.  I think it's personally messed up that parents do that. (Then again, "being the favorite", I'm not getting any special treatment, so maybe I just don't like it because I'm getting RIPPED OFF.  Kidding, of course.) 

Then there's the youth group leaders. I adore them. I do. Really, I do.  I love everything about youth group ... EXCEPT their tendencies to pick the same kids each and every week.  For the games, the songs, the jokes, the gags, the skits, etc.  It's always the same 10 - 15 kids.  Even the random raffle ends up being the same kids, I don't even know how that works out. But whatever. I hate that they do that.  Like ... this is a Christian youth group.  Isn't it kind of messed up to ignore the majority of the kids here because you got to know the others more and make them favorites? Yeah, it is.

Then there's coaches. I've personally never been subjected to this, but I've seen it.  I've gone to a friends' practices and seen it happen.  Seen them get totally shut down because the favorites showed up.  That's bull. 

Treat everyone equally, adults.  It pisses us non-favorites off.  Watch your backs.

(Kidding.)

I haven't blogged in forever.

I was doing so well, too!  I was blogging every day ... getting one or two in... then stopped. Ugh. Fail.

Anyway, back to blogging, I really need to keep up with this!  So, guess who's sick ... AGAIN?!  No, not your grandmother. No, not your dog.  

It's me. ME. I'm sick. Again. FML, right?!  Yep, so I woke up with a sore throat, head ache, couldn't breathe, etc. I immediately went "eyyyy, I have a gland/sinus infection." I spend 3 hours at urgent care to have them tell me, "It's too early to tell." Bull, right? I know it's going to turn into it. Watch. Watch. But no. Whatever. I'll just WAIT for it instead of taking medicine now and killing it before it can even get a chance to really take off. But whatever. I enjoy having my 3RD SINUS INFECTION and my 5th gland infection since January. It's lovely. Really.