I freakin' hate my body proportions!

Before you think, "Lori's so dumb, how can she hate her body?", stop and shut up, thanks.
Being skinny & tall is a complex situation to be in! K? K!


Anyway, here's why I hate my body proportions. I'm tall. Too tall, actually. Here's why being too tall sucks. It's really hard to find good jeans that are long enough. Jeans always shrink and end up too short. Pac Sun's super bright skinny jeans are only made in regulars, not longs. I want those jeans, damnit.

I've got huge hips. Since I have such big hips, I can't find jeans that fit me perfectly, or at least really good. Why? Because my hips are disproportional to the length and slimness of my legs. So I have to buy a size that fits my hips, not my legs. Otherwise, how am I going to button them? So my jeans are always too loose, and not as fitted as I'd like.

I'm too skinny and tall for jackets/hoodies. It's impossible to find a jacket that has long enough arms. If the arms are long enough, the torso isn't. Then the jacket fits my arms, but not my torso, so it's too short for my body. If the sleeves are too short, the torso's just right. It sucks. Seriously. Then my arms are super skinny, and I want my jackets' sleeves to fit my arms and not be baggy. So I have to buy a small, which makes the torso too short. But if I buy a medium to have the torso long enough, then the sleeves are loose and baggy and ew! No.

And I have no chest or ass. Enough said. I hate that. As stated before, I have to buy jeans fitted for my hips, not my legs or anything. So then it's baggy and sags in my butt. Because I have no butt to fill out my jeans. I'm over my body. It's so disproportional.


Damnit!

I've decided earaches are the devil !

So, a couple days ago, I woke up with an earache in both ears. Plus, my throat was sore. But these two things are usually connected. And even more fun, they usually connect up to your sinuses too. So basically, everything in your head is messed up. It sure is.

So, my ears hurt, my throat hurts, and my nose is congested. So, I tell my dad and he says "I can't take you to urgent care because the football play-offs are today." So, I simply shrug and try to find home remedies. They worked for a while, now it's back. Son of a beesting, right? Right!

So why exactly are earaches the devil, you might be wondering. That is the title and if you haven't figured it out that earaches suck just from what I've said. I will tell you why I really, really, really hate earaches. You know how when you have an earache, when you swallow, you can feel it in your ears? That pressure building up, then plugging them? The horrible ache that stays with you as you swallow? Yeah, I hate that. That feeling is the worst. You can't eat or drink or anything comfortably because it hurts that bad. So, that's the biggest reason I hate earaches.



It hurts too much to consume. Damnit.

This is how I feel right now...

I feel like...

• Everyone is against me.
• Everyone hates me.
• Everyone's hoping I fail.
• Everyone's talking shit on me, even my closest friends.
• I'm not good enough-- for anyone; family, friends, boys, teachers, etc.
• I'll never be good enough.
• My life is falling apart.
• Nobody knows what's going on with me.
• I'm horribly unattractive (ugly, gross, weird-looking, etc.)
• Nobody will ever accept me for me.
• My closest friends don't want me to be their closest friends anymore.
• Everyone's super fake and lying to me.
• My parents are ruining my life.
• People will always judge me for who I am now.
• Nobody wants to listen and talk to me.
• People think I'm exaggerating my depression.
• Things will never ever get better, regardless of what people tell me.
• Things don't happen for a reason; I'm just screwed over daily.
• I'm going to end up completely and utterly alone forever......
  

That tiny twinge of being upset for silly reasons...

I hate that feeling.


I hate feeling upset or hurt by things that really shouldn't matter to me. It happened to me today-- a few times, actually. It happened over silly things, too. Things that shouldn't have bothered to an extent to make me feeling tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't understand it. I couldn't understand why I was responding to things in such a manner. However, I was. It sucks-- being upset for the stupidest, most childish reasons. :/


Anyway, however, there were many upsides for today. For example, lunch was probably one of my favorite of the school year. The strange thing was the lunch was mainly only comprised of Chris, Uriel and I. A few people jumped in and out of throughout the lunch. Well, actually, it was the first half and a little into the second half that was epic. I don't think explaining it will really give it justice. You really, really, really had to be there to think it was hilariously fantastic.

Basically, Uriel, Chris and I were the only ones at the table for the first half of lunch. Everyone else went off campus or I don't even know where they were. But anyway, we were talking about the most random stuff, mostly people in school, and cracking up at everything. I swear, I got abs from this today. Well, I got up and hugged someone who passed by. Chris pointed out how he looked like someone from Spiderman 3. This immediately launched a 15 minute conversation, or actually, more of a debate, on when Spiderman, the first one, came out to theaters. After a while of debating, I began asking random strangers that passed by when the movie came out. It was hilarious. "Hey! You there! With the blue jacket! When did Spiderman 1 come out?!?!?!" The looks and answers and random stares that we got was priceless. It was great. I can't really explain it well without you being there.



It sort of made my day! (:

So, I found some old poems ... I mean, OLD !

I found them on my deviantart. Even though they're horribly depressing, I smiled. It reminded me of how I used to write all the time.
So, I want to continue that.


So, I decided to share my old poems.
These are from 2006-2007, btw. (:

#1 -- Loving Someone You Can't Have

Being young and being so lonely,
Crying nights and hiding it daily.
Wishing for a better tomorrow,
Who knew this would be such sorrow?

Loving him, but he loves her,
Why does this get so much tougher?
He's so perfect in many ways,
Wanting him all these days.

When I tell him, "I love you",
He doesn't realize it's more than true.
Helping him, when he needs me,
I'm always there so easily.

I wish he could just somehow know,
I never want to let him go.
Even though we're just best friends,
I know I'll love him 'til the end.

(I honestly can't remember who that poem was about...)


#2 -- Hideous Reflection

I look at my reflection,
Wondering what could be done
To possibly repair this face,
To me it's just a disgrace.

I can't stand to look at myself,
I get my makeup off the shelf,
I try to fix my flaws slowly,
Why did this happen to me?

I look in the mirror at the beast,
The makeup fixed a little, at least.
This horrid face that I neglect,
I just wish I could be perfect.

(This still applies, actually. Maybe not as much, but it does.)


#3 -- She Wants to be More

The words that go unsaid
Are the only words she'd love to hear,
But those words go on past her,
To every other girl except her.

She hopes someday she'll be
Something more than just hot,
She hopes she'll be more,
She hopes she'll be beautiful.

She wants to be something more,
Than just the degrading words,
That they throw at her daily,
As if they were compliments.

Deep down, she knows she's never
Going to be nothing more than,
A simple, ordinary girl who once
hoped to be something more.

(This one still applies as well.)


#4 -- Girl Loves Boy, Boy Loves Girl

Here's my story,
Girl loves boy, boy loves girl.
They reside so far apart,
Yet close in their hearts.

I wish I could just see him,
Just to take in everything about him,
Just to know what it feels like,
What it feels like to look him in the eye.

I wish I could just hug him,
Just to feel his warmth against my body,
Just to know what it feels like,
What it feels like to hold him closely.

I wish I could just kiss him,
Just to feel his lips against mine,
Just to know what it feels like
What it feels like when the fireworks go off.

So there's my story
Girl loves boy, boy loves girl.
Someday they'll not be so far apart,
But forever close in their hearts.

(This one is fictional.)




Ohhh... so emo. ;)

"We're preparing you for high school."

The greatest load of bullshit I've ever heard -- ever.


Now that I look back on middle school and think about how the teachers told us that phrase all the time, I've come to realize that's the biggest bull I've ever heard or been told. Middle school was beyond simple. I can't even fathom how they actually thought they were preparing us for high school. Better yet, I don't understand how they really thought we'd be thankful or something once we got to high school. To say the least, middle school was anything but a preparation for high school.

High school has become to be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to conquer. And to be honest, I'm doing a poor job at that. I'm sick of high school. Every aspect of it, actually. The classes. The teachers. The counselors. The homework. The classwork. The peers. The place. The city. Everything. Every day I think about getting my GED and leaving early. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I'm sick of staying up all night, regardless of procrastination, to do homework and study. I'm tired of trying and not succeeding, which is probably why I stopped trying. I'm tired of not understanding math homework the most. That's my biggest issue. I can't stand it. Especially when I get the math in class, but then once I get home, I've suddenly become stupid and don't comprehend or recall anything I learned to do the homework. I hate doing homework in general. Especially the pointless crap; izzits, vocab cards, terms, etc. That is so useless on so many levels.

So, middle school was a lie that didn't do anything for me besides give me false hope and thinking I'd be so great in high school. I don't know if anyone remembers, but I was a valedictorian in middle school. I believed they really were preparing us for high school. I was psyched for high school. I would think to myself, "High school is going to be so easy." Boy, was I wrong! High school is far more of a challenge than middle school will ever be. I don't know how those teachers think they have the right to tell us we're being prepared for high school. Why lie to us? Why not tell us what to expect? So then, maybe, just maybe, we're actually prepared?

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009 !

Goodbye 2008; Welcome 2009!


Dear 2008,


Let me try to review you ... and then discuss how much I despise you. I'll admit; there were good times and there were bad times. However, they were definitely more bad times than good times. A significant amount more, to say the least. So, let's see...
My parents are separating, my sister hates me, my friends turned their backs on me, my friends talked crap on me, my dad's girlfriend's family bugged me, school became overwhelming to the extreme, homework became impossible to keep up with, developed an anxiety disorder that likes to act up a lot, realized i had scoliosis, had many breakdowns, cried until my eyes hurt, tests were failed, concerts were attended, got a job, made a good sum of money, made new friends, made a new best friend and laughs were heard. So, clearly, that was more bad than good, yes? Most definitely, yes. I was sick of you. I couldn't wait for you to end. I'm not putting up with the crap you put me through, 2008.



Dear 2009,


I'm sure you heard all about the disaster that 2008 was. If you didn't, go ahead and read above. It sucked. So, I'm really counting on you to make this year better. I need a good year, please. I need to feel good. Happy. Content. Good. Safe. Calm. I don't want this year to suck, please. I don't understand why I can't have a good year, so... make it happen, please? Perhaps even help me complete my news years resolutions.



Speaking of which ...


-- > lose 10 pounds
-- > actually use my gym pass
-- > get deep guard @ rage (lmao)
-- > be less of a negative pessimist
-- > post less bulletins (lmao)
-- > make a new friend (:
-- > try food i refused to try in 2008
-- > get my license
-- > control my anxiety / stress attacks
-- > be nicer to my mom & sister
-- > get off my damn braces
-- > control my energy levels ; not be annoying all the time