Can't keep doing this...

I can't handle the ups and downs in my life anymore.

I really don't think I can continue with my life with the way it works. It seriously is the whole cliche, metaphorical sense of a rollercoaster. It has the most ridiculous ups and downs (and even twists!).

Why do I say this? Because whenever I get happy, something goes wrong. And it's never something minor. It's something to completely take away my happiness. I don't get the point in being allowed to become happy when it's just going to be taken away. I wish I could think, "Well, better to experience happiness than not at all." But at this point, I don't think I want to be happy at all if it's going to be taken away so harshly. If I'm going to be happy, I want it to be permanent. Every time it's taken away, I'm just in a worse state than the former.

I'll get happy. I'll be happy. I'll realize, "Dude. I'm happy!" Then, out of nowhere, no warning, no signs, nothing. It's gone. Just like that. Some event occurs in which all my happiness that I gained and worked for is taken from me. And then I just end up even more upset, depressed, sad, etc. than before I got happiness. So, it's like a never ending cycle, pushing me deeper and deeper into depression, I suppose. The more happiness I get, the more it's taken away and the more depressed I get.

My mom always told me, "It's a chemical imbalance in our brains that causes us to be depressed. It's genetic." I constantly (And I mean, CONSTANTLY) told her she was wrong. I was and still am determined to be happy. Permanently. Forever. But ... sometimes, I just don't know if it's possible. It's possible for 0thers. I've seen it. I just don't think it's for me. I don't think that's meant for me. I'm slowly starting to believe I'm MEANT to be depressed.

I'm just a silly, sad, little girl reaching out to the world, begging & aching for happiness.

Where's my happiness?

As the paranoia sets in ...

You realize all you really have is yourself.

That's how I feel anyway...

I don't know what to think anymore. I just have this horrible feeling lately. As if everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Call me paranoid or point it out as the truth. I'd like to know what it is. I feel more alone than usual. I feel like nobody really cares about me. Loves me. Or even likes me. Nobody wants me around. Nobody wants to be my friend. Perhaps I'm just meant to be alone. I'm not quite sure.

It's a perplexing feeling. I don't know why it happens to me, but it does. And I hate it. It's definitely my top three worst feelings. Or emotions. Whatever, they're synonyms, right? But ... I really don't know anymore. I hate wondering what's going on. I hate being out of the loop. I hate feeling like everyone was just talking about me in a bad way. I want to be happy .

I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be happy.

I think I keep thinking, if I say it enough, it will happen. This idea is clearly wrong. It's not happening. So I continue saying it until someday it happens. Until then ... I long to feel wanted.

:X

STOP!

I haven't blogged in a long, long time. I don't know why. It used to be my release. My way out of the real world. Just to sit down & take some time to write down how I felt. Put my thoughts into words. It calmed me. It kept me okay. Now I've resorted to other options, which you all probably know. And why? I don't know. Fuck that though. I'd like to say I'm done with those options. It's ridiculous that I'd ever do that kind of stuff. I apologize for doing it. That's not the point of this blog though. The point of this blog is to address everyone in an issue we can all clearly see.

The drama. The tension. The bullshit.

Let me start off by saying... knock it off. I know I've been a part of some of the drama and issues, but I found it ridiculous every time. Why do we have to cause issues with the people that clearly mean the most to us? You know it's true. I know it's true. To me, my friends are my everything. Without them, I honestly could not and would not survive. I personally believe that without friends, I'd have finished myself off long ago. I don't mean to sound horribly depressing or pathetic, but it's the complete truth. I can't speak for everyone else, but I'm pretty sure most people consider their friends a major part of their life.

Friends. They're important to everyone. Without friends, I don't think many of us would have a big part of ourselves. From observation, it's clear that we all care about & love our friends. So why the FUCK do we continue to do all of this bullshit? If you're legitimately reading this, don't sit there & try to justify it. Don't try to say you never did it.

You. Did. It.

I wish I had an off switch on the drama & arguments of the group. I'd turn them off in a heartbeat. If you really think about it, the summer was good. Now imagine if there were no little, petty arguments. Imagine if there was no drama. Imagine if we could have all just sucked it up, got along and had a good time. It would have been amazing.

I think the worst part was people arguing over fucking Twitter. Come on, guys. Really? If there are any real issues, confront the person in a good, polite way. Don't attack each other. Don't immediately call people out on things, even if you do know for a fact that it's true. Just handle your shit. Handle the situations properly.

I wish desperately that the drama and tension and fights would just end. I'm so over it. I'm over people being smo over stupid things. People fighting in real life. Over Twitter. Over texts. Then bringing it out for everyone to be a part of. And everyone (for some reason) always joins in and tries to be a part of the argument between two people. Why? That just makes things so much worse. Stop. Stop it now.

The summer's almost over. Let's make these last days good. You know you love your friends. I know I love my friends. So why continue these sharades? There's no reason for it. At all. So stop. You never know if one day an argument can get so out of hand that you lose people completely.

If you're a friend, I love you. I'm sorry if I ever caused drama. I'm sorry if I ever argued with you (especially over something ridiculous and miniscule). I'm sorry. Now take the example set forth and do the same. Apologize to the people you love. It's the only thing left to do.