This is what happens when I get bored...

So ... I got bored.

So I decided, I'm going to my make-up all "scene" like. So I did.

Then my sister wanted to do my hair ...

Here's the result:

Fake people & playing both sides

Two of my FAVORITE tbings...

to rant about.

OHBOY!  Where do I get started on this one?  Hm ... anywhere, really.  It's a rant.  

So, why are there fake people? No, really. Why?  What's the point in being fake?  I guess one reason is because they think more people will like them if they change themselves around others.  I don't see the point anyway.  There's another kind of fake, too.  The kind of fake when people are just pure fake to your face.  They'll pretend to be your friend, act nice, be friendly, smile, but they really don't even like you.  What's the point in that?  Why would you want to be around someone you don't even like and be fake to them?

I can't stand it.  At all.  Not one bit.

Then, another little tangent off of fake people is when people play both sides.  That's fake, too.  I hate when people play both sides.  They're too much of a pansy to just pick a side and defend that side.  So, they just play up both sides and hope nothing happens to them.  Guess what?  Enemies DO talk.  We WILL find out that you're being fake to everyone.  Then what?  Then you'd be screw.   But hey ... this is just hypothetically speaking of course... right? ;)

You know it's bad when you break down in class...

I'm usually pretty in control of my breakdowns when I need to be.

By that, I mean, if I'm crying in the car on the way to school, I'll control it and turn it off.  Then, I'll walk into school, act normal and happy and stop crying.  I do this often, to be honest.  Cry my ass off in the car, then get out, wipe my face, straighten up and go to school as if the last 10 minutes didn't just happen.  

Not today.  Today was different.

I got out of the car, still crying, couldn't help it.  Just kept crying.  I went into school, still crying.  It was more of a teary-eyed, letting a few tears fall down my face type of cry.  Not a wailing, bawling cry.  But whatever.  I go into my first period, still crying.  I wiped away my tears and just sat there with my head hung low.  After a few minutes of that, a friend walks in and walks over and hugs me.  After they simply said my name is a sad, concerned tone, I immediately broke down.  Full-on, loud, bawling tears.  I couldn't even control it.  Once it started, I just had to let loose.  Of course, this is after everyone's in class.  We left and went to the bathroom and I cried there some more and fixed myself up.  (Thank goodness for waterproof make-up; no, seriously.) 

I went back to class and surprisingly, nobody said anything to me.  I kind of appreciated it.  I wondered if anyone said anything.  I wonder if people even talked about it.  I mean, it's not every day some kid randomly breaks down.  Especially when that kid is ME.  By that, I mean, I'm usually the smiley, laughing, giggly, giddy, out-going, loud, seemingly happy girl.  (I fake it well.)  Then to have me crying like a baby might have been an odd sight.  I don't know.  That's just what I would have thought.

*sigh*

Those freakin' demon dogs ...

So, I walk the neighbors' dogs for money...

I walk two dogs.  One is a full Yellow Lab.  The other is Yellow Lab & German Shepard mix.  They're big & strong & like to tug on the leash hard.  I, however, am scrawny, frail and weak.  I can't control them, but I try.  I only have to walk them for a half an hour and I get $10 each time.  It sounds good, right? 

... NO!!!!

These dogs are vicious.  They're way too strong for me and I can hardly control them, let alone walk them.  They're mean, too.  Not to humans, they're nice to people, yet viciously horrifyingly mean to other dogs... for no reason!!!  Just the other day, I'm walking them with a friend and they full on ATTACK this other dog.  It was HORRIFYING.  Then, we continue walking and they attack ANOTHER dog. >_<>

Then, today, I'm walking them and they have these special collars.  It's made of plastic and it has like pointy sort of inside so if they pull really hard, I can pull back and they're like "Hey, that kind of hurts, I should stop." So, they start to get out of hand and I pull back really hard.  One of their collars completely snaps and breaks.  The dog takes off running.  I took 10 minutes to finally catch the dog.  Then, I'm walking and they continuously tangle each other up and such.  It's just such a horrible hassle.  Then, I walk around in fear of other people walking their dogs and hoping to God that they don't attack or I can restrain them.

Then, earlier, I go to get them and forget I'm wearing shorts instead of pants.  They MASSACRED my legs with scratches.  I mean, each one stings and is in need of Neosporin.  So, it may seem bad now, right?  Yeah, it is.  Unfortunately, it's my only source of income.  And making $10/30 min. just sounds good... :/  FML. 

PostSecret Inspires Me.

PostSecret totally inspires me.  

Why? Because there's always at least one secret that stands out to me, or that I can totally relate to.  Like this one.  It inspires me to be happy.  It inspires me to get myself out of depression.  It makes me strive for happiness even more.  I love PostSecret.  I love THIS secret.  It's by far my favorite secret, ever!

Done.

No, really. I'm really done.

(Or at least wish I could be).

But I'm not.  I say it, but I'm really not.  I mean, sure, I've TRIED to do it.  You know, "end it on my own".  I've tried, admittedly.  I've never done enough to put myself in the hospital or anything... But "tried".  I don't think I'm capable of doing it, though.  I always think about what would happen.  Who I'd hurt.  Who I'd completely destroy.  But then, I start thinking about what wouldn't happen, who wouldn't care, who might even laugh about it.  That just sends me back to that place...

I wish I could be happy.  More than anything in the whole entire world.  I want HAPPINESS.  Pure, geunine, sincere, real HAPPINESS.  So, why can't I have it?  I mean, I try.  I do TRY to be happy.  I've tried to fix things in my life.  I've tried to make everything better.  I've done so much to try and FIX my life.  It never ever works.  But why?  That's all want to know.  Why?

Also, why do people have to say the overly cliche lines when someone's upset? "It'll get better." "Everything happens for a reason." "It's just a phase that will pass." "It'll all work out."  No... NO!  It will not get better. Everything doesn't happen for a reason.  This is not a phase.  It will not work out.  If it'll get better, when?  If everything happens for  a reason, give me a reason.  If this is a phase, tell me when it ends.  If it's going to work out, tell me how.  I want so many answers.  Why can't I have these answers?

God, please help me.

Who can cope anymore?

Not me.  Definitely, most definitely, NOT ME.

I've come to the realization that putting a fake smile on and pretending to be happy is just not what I feel like doing anymore.  I've been doing it for approximately 5 years or so, I'd say.  I remember being this way in 6th grade, just not as much.  Now, it's worsened just like everything in my life has managed to do.  

I'm just not capable of coping with the things thrown at me in my life.  I just don't even know what to do anymore.  I'm stuck.  Blank.  Incapable.  I don't want this life.  I didn't ask for this life.  I did nothing to deserve this life.  So why THIS life?  Why?

I just want to be happy.  I want that geuninely, sincerely happy feeling.  Sure, I have happy moments.  But those are only moments.  I don't want moments.  I want forever.  Forever to be happy.  Happiness ... forever.   Why can't I have it?