I've never wanted to end life more than I have now.

 No, really.

I'm so done.

I give up.

I really do.

This isn't fair.

I tried. I really tried. So ... so ... hard.

And now look.

Look what happened.

This is why I gave up.

Because even when I try, I fail.

So why bother trying if you're going to fail regardless?

I have no idea what to write about ...

Hm, well.  I have nothing to write about.  So I'll write about how I get my ideas and know what I'm going to write about before I even do it. I usually always have some idea of what I'd like to write about when I get home from school. How? I take notes every day.  Out of nowhere, I'll pull out that ratted piece of paper with "BLOGGER IDEAS" scrawled across the top of the page then write the date.  Then, whatever inspired me to pull out that paper is quickly written down.  My ideas usually come from random thoughts that pop into my mind or things that happen at the time and make me want to write about it.  Usually, I'll just write down the title that I know I'll use for the blog when I write it.  Then, when I get home, I see the titles and know exactly what I want to write just based upon whatever I pre-titled it as.  I do it every day.  Something always manages to inspire me, or whatever you want to call it, just enough to make me want to write a whole blog on it.  I guess it didn't happen today.  Nothing was written down on my "BLOGGER IDEAS" paper.  Nothing at all for 3/23/09.  Oh well.  Tomorrow is a new day. (:

I can't do it with one hand!

Goodness, what could that mean?!

;)

So, I've wanted to learn to play the piano since I was 7.  I remember asking to get lessons for the first time when I was 7.  My parents never did, obviously.  Now, at age 17, I've taken it upon myself to just learn to play self taught.  Yay for me?  Yeah, sure.  

I'm kind of proud of myself.  I'm actually doing it.  I've actually learned stuff and a couple songs.  It's the only thing I actually seem to give a crap about right now. 

 The only problem is I'm practically incapable of playing two different parts with each hand.   And the song I'm trying to do is the theme song to Pink Panther.  I can play both parts...just not at the same time. :/  And the left hand is for some reason really hard for me to do with one hand, even though you just do the keys chromatically. -.-'  This brings back the title.  "I can't do with one hand!"  ): Boooo for my incoordination.  

Ohwell.  I know I'll get it. (:

We all know you're average & normal, so shut up.

So.  This conversation randomly occured, so I felt like blogging about the subject! 

Me: Why do girls always have to have "I'm not your average girl." "I'm unique" "I'm not like every other girl." "I'm a different type of girl." in their about mes?

Me: Just stfu, we all know you're average & normal.

Evan: if everyone put "I'm unique" in their about message they wouldn't be unique, would they?

Me: Exactly! OMG. I'm going to write a blog & quote that!

Evan: DO IT

So, with that conversation, I was inspired to write an entire blog on the subject.  Why do girls do that?  I guess there's some guys, too.  But it's USUALLY girls.  They've all got to say something along of the lines of them being unique, not average, different, special, etc.  Oh, and they're always "not what you would have expected".  Honestly, there's hardly anyone who's truly unique anymore.  So, why say it?

Then Evan said it.  He said it right there.  "If everyone put 'I'm unique.' in their about message they wouldn't be unique, would they?"  He hit it SPOT ON.  What he said makes total sense.  It even owns the girls(/boys) that say that.  So many people put that and if so many people say it, by saying it, you're not even unique.  If you're going to say, "I'm not your average girl and I'm so unique and not what you expected.", back that shit up.  

Back it up.  Explain.  Why are you unique? And why are you not average?  "I'm not your average girl & I'm unique because I ... [____]"

P.S. "I'm __ years YOUNG." is annoying, too. (: 

I kind of don't like to drive.

It's cool, but it freaks me out, too.

The first time I ever drove, I was like, "I hate this. I want to stop right now."  Then, I kept driving and soon enough, I'd be forcing my mom to switch places with me so I could drive.  I've done behind the wheel twice now, and I really hate that.  I really, really, really hate driving with the instructor.  She acts very frustrated, put off and annoyed when I make a little mistake.  It's so dumb because I just barely started driving.  I can't sit down, turn on the car and freaking own it.  But whatever.

Anyway, 

I hate parking.  I hate it.  I cannot park!  

I hate U-turns.  They're stupid and hard.  

I hate the freeway.   It freaks me out.  There's too many cars and it's too fast.

I hate traffic checks.  It's green.  I don't want to look left, right, left every single time I pass through an intersection. 

I hate three-point turns.  Those are annoying.  I'm not bad at them at all.  I just don't like it.

I hate stopping.  I hate having to stop.  I can't slow down and stop without the little jerk at the end.  Apparently, that's bad. -.-'

I hate blind spot checks.  They're annoying.  

I hate dips, railroad tracks, islands, slow pedestrians, short green lights, red lights, stop signs, streets without lines, idiots worse than me, etc.

Okay.

So ... maybe I just don't like a lot of stuff involved IN DRIVING...but I mean, ey...

It'll get me around faster.  (:

Hahaha. I complain too much. :D

As stupid as it sounds ... IT'S MY JOB TO MAKE THE CDS.

In Honors Chemistry, on lab days, someone can bring in a CD and the teacher will play it while we do the lab.

For literally the entire year up until this week, I've been the one to make a CD and bring it in; the only one.

Then someone else brought one in... and mine was NOT played!

I don't care how stupid this sounds.  I cannot stand that class.  It's so routine.  We stand outside the class while the teacher goes to the bathroom, he comes back, we go in, he checks the homework, we go over the homework, powerpoint comes on, we take notes, he speaks, he ends the lecture, we work on the night's homework, class ends.  SAME THING EVERY DAY.  I hate that class.

The only GOOD part about this class is lab days.  Why? Because I get to have my CD played.  My amazing CD with my obviously amazing music.  Okay.  My opinion, but still.  I dig hearing my music and having it played and getting to listen to music I love while in school.  It's chill, right? Right. 

But no.  Someone else decided they're going to make a CD and bring one in.  And their stupid CD got played.  Sure, it's for everyone.  Anyone can bring in a CD.  Anyone can have theirs played.  But I've been doing it all school year.  Every single lab, I'm the only one to bring in a CD.  So it's pretty much EXPECTED of me.  I forgot once or twice to make a CD and people would be all, "Lori, where's your CD?" and I'd say I forgot and it was like, "Aww, dang!"  Obviously, everyone else enjoys my amazing, up-beat, super fun, catchy music.

Stupid kids.  

Why do people always INSIST on making snarky comments?

What do I mean by this?

Someone will say something...

and there's always SOMEONE that HAS to say something rude, sarcastic, harsh, bitchy, etc.

But why?

What exactly is it that makes people decide, "You know what? I'm going to be an asshole & say something following up what he/she just said to hurt their feelings."  Why?!  I can't stand when people do that.  Whether they're doing it to me or not, it still always pisses me off.  What's the point in being an ass and saying something to make fun of what someone just said? What's the point in making fun of them?

I don't see it.  Honestly, I can't recall many times that I've done it to someone.  The only time I can think I've done it is because they said something rude, so I had to follow up with something rude to put them in their place.  But just doing it to someone for no apparent reason just because you're an asshole isn't right.  It pisses me off!  

It's like no matter what someone says, there's always going to be someone to throw in their damn two cents and be an ass.  I hate people. >_<

This is what happens when I get bored...

So ... I got bored.

So I decided, I'm going to my make-up all "scene" like. So I did.

Then my sister wanted to do my hair ...

Here's the result:

Fake people & playing both sides

Two of my FAVORITE tbings...

to rant about.

OHBOY!  Where do I get started on this one?  Hm ... anywhere, really.  It's a rant.  

So, why are there fake people? No, really. Why?  What's the point in being fake?  I guess one reason is because they think more people will like them if they change themselves around others.  I don't see the point anyway.  There's another kind of fake, too.  The kind of fake when people are just pure fake to your face.  They'll pretend to be your friend, act nice, be friendly, smile, but they really don't even like you.  What's the point in that?  Why would you want to be around someone you don't even like and be fake to them?

I can't stand it.  At all.  Not one bit.

Then, another little tangent off of fake people is when people play both sides.  That's fake, too.  I hate when people play both sides.  They're too much of a pansy to just pick a side and defend that side.  So, they just play up both sides and hope nothing happens to them.  Guess what?  Enemies DO talk.  We WILL find out that you're being fake to everyone.  Then what?  Then you'd be screw.   But hey ... this is just hypothetically speaking of course... right? ;)

You know it's bad when you break down in class...

I'm usually pretty in control of my breakdowns when I need to be.

By that, I mean, if I'm crying in the car on the way to school, I'll control it and turn it off.  Then, I'll walk into school, act normal and happy and stop crying.  I do this often, to be honest.  Cry my ass off in the car, then get out, wipe my face, straighten up and go to school as if the last 10 minutes didn't just happen.  

Not today.  Today was different.

I got out of the car, still crying, couldn't help it.  Just kept crying.  I went into school, still crying.  It was more of a teary-eyed, letting a few tears fall down my face type of cry.  Not a wailing, bawling cry.  But whatever.  I go into my first period, still crying.  I wiped away my tears and just sat there with my head hung low.  After a few minutes of that, a friend walks in and walks over and hugs me.  After they simply said my name is a sad, concerned tone, I immediately broke down.  Full-on, loud, bawling tears.  I couldn't even control it.  Once it started, I just had to let loose.  Of course, this is after everyone's in class.  We left and went to the bathroom and I cried there some more and fixed myself up.  (Thank goodness for waterproof make-up; no, seriously.) 

I went back to class and surprisingly, nobody said anything to me.  I kind of appreciated it.  I wondered if anyone said anything.  I wonder if people even talked about it.  I mean, it's not every day some kid randomly breaks down.  Especially when that kid is ME.  By that, I mean, I'm usually the smiley, laughing, giggly, giddy, out-going, loud, seemingly happy girl.  (I fake it well.)  Then to have me crying like a baby might have been an odd sight.  I don't know.  That's just what I would have thought.

*sigh*

Those freakin' demon dogs ...

So, I walk the neighbors' dogs for money...

I walk two dogs.  One is a full Yellow Lab.  The other is Yellow Lab & German Shepard mix.  They're big & strong & like to tug on the leash hard.  I, however, am scrawny, frail and weak.  I can't control them, but I try.  I only have to walk them for a half an hour and I get $10 each time.  It sounds good, right? 

... NO!!!!

These dogs are vicious.  They're way too strong for me and I can hardly control them, let alone walk them.  They're mean, too.  Not to humans, they're nice to people, yet viciously horrifyingly mean to other dogs... for no reason!!!  Just the other day, I'm walking them with a friend and they full on ATTACK this other dog.  It was HORRIFYING.  Then, we continue walking and they attack ANOTHER dog. >_<>

Then, today, I'm walking them and they have these special collars.  It's made of plastic and it has like pointy sort of inside so if they pull really hard, I can pull back and they're like "Hey, that kind of hurts, I should stop." So, they start to get out of hand and I pull back really hard.  One of their collars completely snaps and breaks.  The dog takes off running.  I took 10 minutes to finally catch the dog.  Then, I'm walking and they continuously tangle each other up and such.  It's just such a horrible hassle.  Then, I walk around in fear of other people walking their dogs and hoping to God that they don't attack or I can restrain them.

Then, earlier, I go to get them and forget I'm wearing shorts instead of pants.  They MASSACRED my legs with scratches.  I mean, each one stings and is in need of Neosporin.  So, it may seem bad now, right?  Yeah, it is.  Unfortunately, it's my only source of income.  And making $10/30 min. just sounds good... :/  FML. 

PostSecret Inspires Me.

PostSecret totally inspires me.  

Why? Because there's always at least one secret that stands out to me, or that I can totally relate to.  Like this one.  It inspires me to be happy.  It inspires me to get myself out of depression.  It makes me strive for happiness even more.  I love PostSecret.  I love THIS secret.  It's by far my favorite secret, ever!

Done.

No, really. I'm really done.

(Or at least wish I could be).

But I'm not.  I say it, but I'm really not.  I mean, sure, I've TRIED to do it.  You know, "end it on my own".  I've tried, admittedly.  I've never done enough to put myself in the hospital or anything... But "tried".  I don't think I'm capable of doing it, though.  I always think about what would happen.  Who I'd hurt.  Who I'd completely destroy.  But then, I start thinking about what wouldn't happen, who wouldn't care, who might even laugh about it.  That just sends me back to that place...

I wish I could be happy.  More than anything in the whole entire world.  I want HAPPINESS.  Pure, geunine, sincere, real HAPPINESS.  So, why can't I have it?  I mean, I try.  I do TRY to be happy.  I've tried to fix things in my life.  I've tried to make everything better.  I've done so much to try and FIX my life.  It never ever works.  But why?  That's all want to know.  Why?

Also, why do people have to say the overly cliche lines when someone's upset? "It'll get better." "Everything happens for a reason." "It's just a phase that will pass." "It'll all work out."  No... NO!  It will not get better. Everything doesn't happen for a reason.  This is not a phase.  It will not work out.  If it'll get better, when?  If everything happens for  a reason, give me a reason.  If this is a phase, tell me when it ends.  If it's going to work out, tell me how.  I want so many answers.  Why can't I have these answers?

God, please help me.

Who can cope anymore?

Not me.  Definitely, most definitely, NOT ME.

I've come to the realization that putting a fake smile on and pretending to be happy is just not what I feel like doing anymore.  I've been doing it for approximately 5 years or so, I'd say.  I remember being this way in 6th grade, just not as much.  Now, it's worsened just like everything in my life has managed to do.  

I'm just not capable of coping with the things thrown at me in my life.  I just don't even know what to do anymore.  I'm stuck.  Blank.  Incapable.  I don't want this life.  I didn't ask for this life.  I did nothing to deserve this life.  So why THIS life?  Why?

I just want to be happy.  I want that geuninely, sincerely happy feeling.  Sure, I have happy moments.  But those are only moments.  I don't want moments.  I want forever.  Forever to be happy.  Happiness ... forever.   Why can't I have it?