I genuinely feel sorry for some people.

So, there are quite a handful of people I just feel sorry for. It's not even necessarily certain, specific people. It's more like the type of person that I feel bad for.

You know those kinds of people, who for some crazy reason, find great pleasure and amusement in harassing, tormenting and tearing down others. I mean, does it really make you feel any better about yourself to attack others? I really don't get it. The type of people who are just dicks and bitches all the time for no apparent reason.

For me, I'm not a bitch or mean to someone unless absolutely necessary. It takes a lot for me to lose my cool. And sometimes, even when it is necessary, I still don't lash out and such. I can control myself. In this region of personality, I'm mature. I'm able to be mature. I don't like fighting with someone, especially over the stupidest shit. It's just not okay.

People who intentionally do or say things to make another person feel bad is just plain pathetic. How is that okay? I personally feel like the area of the brain that makes a person do this got fucked up somehow. It's like they're not even human.

Everyone has feelings. You wouldn't want yours torn apart. So why do it to others? It's just pathetic and I feel sorry for you. If you're what I've described, I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU. And I really want to just ... wish you luck and hope to God you learn to grow up and accept the fact that what you've done is not okay. I hope you can grow out of this. I hope it's a phase rather than a permanent personality trait. :/

I only have people when they want to have me.

I've realized lately that I feel like I have nobody.

1. You only want me when you need something from me.

2. You only want me when you have nobody better to talk to.

3. You only want me to ask what homework we had.

4. You only want me when someone else besides you can give me a ride to whatever we're doing.

5. You only want me when you need to rant.

6. You only want me when you have problems in your life and need someone to talk to.

7. You only want me when I have something you don't have.

8. You only want me when I'm the last resort.

9. You only want me when I've got money.

10. You only wanted me when I had tickets to a major concert.

11. You only wanted me when I wasn't stressed out all the time.

12. You only wanted me when everyone else did, too.

13. You only wanted me when people weren't mad or hating me.

14. You only wanted me when you needed my help.

15. You only wanted me when I was straight edge and a goody goody.

There's more that I just can't think of.

:/

I wish I was a little bit STRONGER.

I've come to this realization that I'm a weak person.

I am. I know I am. I've always been weak.

I don't know how to fix that. I don't know how to become stronger.

Over this last year, I've seen friends come and go. Some even come back and then go again. The only thing worse than losing someone is losing them twice. It's harsh on a person when all they have to rely on is themselves. That's how I am. I've lost everyone. People may say otherwise, but it's how I feel.

Starting back from junior year, the people I've been close with since middle school or the beginning of high school left me. I lost them. It was tough. The worst part was we all knew we had fallen apart and drifted, yet we all hung out at lunch and school. So, it was awkward and odd. It felt wrong. It felt fake. I wasn't down for that.

Then there was the second half of junior year. I met some new people. I think I took a liking to them too fast. I trusted them too fast. I had a good rest of the junior year with them. I had a pretty good summer. Then, soon enough, all over again -- they were gone, too.

Within a year's time, I had lost two different groups of people that I considered great friends. Did I do something? I don't know. Was it ever even real? I don't know. I'd like to say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted." How can I do that though? I can't. I simply can't.

Then, within the same time, I've felt the two people I thought would NEVER drift from me -- drift from me. I try so hard with people and get nothing in return. Plans are rejected. Plans are bailed on. Simple conversations die. There's so much going on.

All of this, every bit of it, is what has killed me.

I am broken.

I really am.

I know it's bad because people have NOTICED.

Before when I was upset or sad or depressed, people couldn't tell.

People believed my fake smiles and laughs.

Now, I've had people ask me if I'm okay, even though I look happy.

I'm simply broken. :/ And I don't know what to do anymore.