I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm sick of people. People piss me off. Tooooo much!

I'm just going to bullet everyone and why they piss me off. I'll keep it anonymous. You'll probably figure out who you are though. (: I may or may not love you, regardless of you pissing me off. I may love you, but you piss me off. I may hate you, and you piss me off.

1. Everyone does not love you. I don't know where you suddenly got this idea. Really, it came out of nowhere. One day you just decided to throw in little fun facts about whoever we're talking about loves you. What the fuck?

2. Why do you desire to be popular so bad? It's so ... not ... okay. You need to accept your friends and stop trying to be so damn populllaaaar.

3. Group effort for this one. I'm not even going to separate you because you're not worth it. You all suck, though. I'm done with you. I don't care if you harass me (even though it's childish and pointless because I'm unaffected by it). Go for it. You just keep proving how big of dicks you are, yet lack. So, please, shut the fuck up and back the fuck off.

4. You bail on me all the fucking time now. It's so fucking pathetic. I'm done having other people be chosen over me. I make an effort every goddamn weekend to hang out with you. Do you ever? No. Someone else is always more important because oh noooo, you have to be loved by every fucking person you know. But hey, who the fuck cares? It's not like I'm your "so-called" or anything. I drop hints in bitchy tones that go unnoticed. So fuck it. I can't promise I'll be waiting on the sidelines when you've got nobody & want to redeem your title. I'm trying. I really am. I don't know how much longer I can be not even second best. Or third best. Or fourth best. I'm like 12452523523rd best.

5. You always bail on me, too. You never ever drive out here to hang with me, but you go to see them and hang with them. And you even fucking pass by where I live to go hang out with other people. It's cool. It's not like I don't want to hang out with you. Then, when you do hang out with me, it's only because you have nobody else to hang with or at least not until later, when you bail on me and go hang out with other, better people. Fucked up shit.

6. I hate how you make no effort to hang with me. :/ I try, but noooo.

7. I hate how you claim to be my friend, yet you didn't stand up for me when that happened. And you never want to hang out. You say we'll hang, but we don't. :/ It sucks. I miss you. I miss 9th grade. ):

That's all I got for now.

Fuck it.

I genuinely feel sorry for some people.

So, there are quite a handful of people I just feel sorry for. It's not even necessarily certain, specific people. It's more like the type of person that I feel bad for.

You know those kinds of people, who for some crazy reason, find great pleasure and amusement in harassing, tormenting and tearing down others. I mean, does it really make you feel any better about yourself to attack others? I really don't get it. The type of people who are just dicks and bitches all the time for no apparent reason.

For me, I'm not a bitch or mean to someone unless absolutely necessary. It takes a lot for me to lose my cool. And sometimes, even when it is necessary, I still don't lash out and such. I can control myself. In this region of personality, I'm mature. I'm able to be mature. I don't like fighting with someone, especially over the stupidest shit. It's just not okay.

People who intentionally do or say things to make another person feel bad is just plain pathetic. How is that okay? I personally feel like the area of the brain that makes a person do this got fucked up somehow. It's like they're not even human.

Everyone has feelings. You wouldn't want yours torn apart. So why do it to others? It's just pathetic and I feel sorry for you. If you're what I've described, I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU. And I really want to just ... wish you luck and hope to God you learn to grow up and accept the fact that what you've done is not okay. I hope you can grow out of this. I hope it's a phase rather than a permanent personality trait. :/

I only have people when they want to have me.

I've realized lately that I feel like I have nobody.

1. You only want me when you need something from me.

2. You only want me when you have nobody better to talk to.

3. You only want me to ask what homework we had.

4. You only want me when someone else besides you can give me a ride to whatever we're doing.

5. You only want me when you need to rant.

6. You only want me when you have problems in your life and need someone to talk to.

7. You only want me when I have something you don't have.

8. You only want me when I'm the last resort.

9. You only want me when I've got money.

10. You only wanted me when I had tickets to a major concert.

11. You only wanted me when I wasn't stressed out all the time.

12. You only wanted me when everyone else did, too.

13. You only wanted me when people weren't mad or hating me.

14. You only wanted me when you needed my help.

15. You only wanted me when I was straight edge and a goody goody.

There's more that I just can't think of.

:/

I wish I was a little bit STRONGER.

I've come to this realization that I'm a weak person.

I am. I know I am. I've always been weak.

I don't know how to fix that. I don't know how to become stronger.

Over this last year, I've seen friends come and go. Some even come back and then go again. The only thing worse than losing someone is losing them twice. It's harsh on a person when all they have to rely on is themselves. That's how I am. I've lost everyone. People may say otherwise, but it's how I feel.

Starting back from junior year, the people I've been close with since middle school or the beginning of high school left me. I lost them. It was tough. The worst part was we all knew we had fallen apart and drifted, yet we all hung out at lunch and school. So, it was awkward and odd. It felt wrong. It felt fake. I wasn't down for that.

Then there was the second half of junior year. I met some new people. I think I took a liking to them too fast. I trusted them too fast. I had a good rest of the junior year with them. I had a pretty good summer. Then, soon enough, all over again -- they were gone, too.

Within a year's time, I had lost two different groups of people that I considered great friends. Did I do something? I don't know. Was it ever even real? I don't know. I'd like to say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted." How can I do that though? I can't. I simply can't.

Then, within the same time, I've felt the two people I thought would NEVER drift from me -- drift from me. I try so hard with people and get nothing in return. Plans are rejected. Plans are bailed on. Simple conversations die. There's so much going on.

All of this, every bit of it, is what has killed me.

I am broken.

I really am.

I know it's bad because people have NOTICED.

Before when I was upset or sad or depressed, people couldn't tell.

People believed my fake smiles and laughs.

Now, I've had people ask me if I'm okay, even though I look happy.

I'm simply broken. :/ And I don't know what to do anymore.

I haven't blogged in a couple days... let me catch you up, yeah?

Okay, so ... for some reason, I forgot to blog after I went and saw THE AQUABATS. Haha. I told myself to blog, but it was late and I was exhausted from the show, so I went to bed. Then the next day, I didn't blog again. So here it is. Let me catch you up.

So on Saturday, I went to work. I had to work 8 hours. It was ridiculous, long, miserable, exhausting and horrible. (: That night, I saw The Aquabats. It was a really, really good show. I got owned in a pit and dropped when attempting to crowd surf. It was still fun. (:

Sunday, I went to work again. Another 8 hour shift. It wasn't as bad. I had splash battle with my friend Cody all day. I totally won. Haha. He claims he won. At the end of the day, we said tie. But I got him last minute and he won't admit to it.

And then today, went to school and such. It's dumb. I hated today. I wanted to go home all day and sleep. In fact, I still haven't napped. I had to go to the ortho. I got new retainers. Plastic, clear ones. They hurt. :/

That's it.

Today was just shitty.

I know, I know. It's technically tomorrow, but I'm counting this blog as today. I'm daily blogging. If I haven't slept and woke up to a new day, it's the same day to me. So it counts. :D

Anyway -- today just sucked. All my classes were boring. I got little sleep last night and just slept through half my classes. It was lame. Mrs. Lindsay yelled at me for swearing again. She called me unbecoming and the most foul mouthed girl she's ever met. It sort of upset to the point where I want to stop swearing-- again. Yep. I stopped for 3 weeks before. It was cool.

Then, I hung out with everyone and people gave me shit for my foot size and just giving me shit like always. And then I got flaked on for Speed Zone. I was immediately pissed off because of that. It really ruined my night. Speed Zone, for free. Come on! Whatever.

But something awesome just happened. One of my friends in New York drunk dialed me. It was pretty funny. His friend Adam talked to me for 10 minutes. So goddamn funny. They tripped out because I said I was 5'9''. And they told me how awesome Blink is going to be and how expensive merch is. Hahaha. Made my day better.

I'm going to bed now. Goodnight!

:D

I need to stop procrastinating homework.

I procrastinate homework more than anyone. And it's the wors kind of procrastination. I KNOW if I would just DO the work when I got home, I'd have a whole night ahead of me to just chill out and do whatever. Do I ever just DO it? No. I wait until the last minute.

I do other things. Like Blog. Dailybooth. Watch TV. Eat. Sleep. Do absolutely nothing. Ugh...

I am sick of this.

I need to go do my homework...